Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A hooker approached me while she was eating a bag of Lays. I instinctively produced a bag of Wise and ran in the opposite direction.

   proofreading can save your life... I sent a text from New Orleans to my wife that should have read, "Havin a blast, wish you were here". But instead it read, "Havin a blast, wish you were her".

   this is the stat that never ends it goes on and on my friends someone started reading it not knowing what it was and they'll continue reading it forever just because

   I am in no way, shape or form mature enough to read the headline, "Prince William Saves Seamen."

   even google translate doesn't translate what women say

   That baby dinosaur noise you make when you stretch.

   Sitting on Santas lap and realising you're not the only excited one.

   Tattoo my name on your body so that I know you are dumb.

   It is amazing how much effort I put into my laziness.

   has a mind like a drill bit! It is twisted, and very dangerous if used improperly

   In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. Yeah that'll teach 'em to not mess with you.

   “Are you asleep?” “No! I was in a comma, thanks for saving me."

   I'll admit it, the ring girls are one of the main reasons I watch boxing.

   Single as a dollar and I'm not looking for change

   Kourtney Kardashian's pregnant. Which is awesome, because I was just starting to think that there aren't NEARLY enough Kardashians

   remember guys...try to keep her as a love bird...dont do anything to make her an angry bird

   Sometimes at work I like to run around with a screwdriver yelling "ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!

   I don't understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion

   So I told my friend there is a new app for iphone where you can measure a pools temperature by putting the phone in the water.... Droid users 1 Apple 0

   I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks....... To.the alligators