Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.

   You are stronger than you think you are. Keep pushing forward, never give up on your dreams, and don't let anyone stop you

   Stuff happens.. but it is nothing that a bowl of Captain Crunch can't fix

   I'm not saying I'm out of shape, but following a brisk hike down the stairs to the fridge I just sweated out Vince Vaughn holding a bottle of bourbon.

   To the untrained eye, I'm quite handsome.

   This Cottage cheese needs something. Like a burger and fries.

   Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.

   Love is like a game, Some people Cheat and some prefer to play it fair.

   im gassy while watching the news... imma go occupy the toilet

   Some woman has just said to me... Oh it's the last day of November, are you going to be shaving your tash"... No darling I'm keeping it, what about yours ?

   The best thing about sex is that part where I have it.

   There is no "i" in liar

   Like this status Ladies and I'll take you to see the Muppets Movie.

   The best way to watch the new Adam Sandler film 'Jack & Jill' is to rip it to DVD, let it play on your TV, and then set your house on fire.

   Lindsay Lohan should at least have to spend as much time in jail as we have to spend hearing about it.

   When I was younger, I always used to feel like a man trapped in a woman's body. However, that all changed when I was born.

   The Breakfast Club ruined detention shenanigans for the rest of us.

   My daughter told her mother that a kid in class showed her his peck*r. My wife flipped. My daughter said it reminded her of a peanut, so my wife asked her if it was small. My daughter said, "No, salty."

   Scientific fact: You do in fact have a wonderful Christmas time when you don't hear that awful Paul McCartney song.

   Life doesn't come with a remote, so get off your a$$ and change it.