Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those starving without shelter in Africa would be glad to know Americans make houses out of delicious food during Christmas time.

   it's been a terrible year for my fantasy dictator league

   Who is Kim jong ......Wasnt that an 80s song?.......Everybody kim jong tonight........

   Kim Jong died? I didn't even know he was IL

   Feeling poor and full of cookies. You can tell it's Christmas.

   From the way you did your make up, I can tell how much you miss kindergarten coloring books.

   If Eve doomed the entire human race for an apple, I wonder what she would do for a Klondike bar?

   A toast Gentlemen, To girlfriends and wives. May they never meet

   My girlfriend has this sick sexual fetish of trying to cuddle with me after sex.

   I am sorry I didn't recognize you back there. The last time I saw you, you had only one chin.

   Funny new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Bob.

   Liquor stores are open 24/7 when you have a brick.

   If you're not into casual sex, I can put on a bow tie and we'll call it formal sex.

   If you can't take a joke, don't walk around looking like one.

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock against the wall in the morning is the fact that it's also my cellphone.

   Tim Hortons needs one of those highway construction signs for the drive thru, expect delays

   I have no respect for people who eat pizza with a fork.

   I call dibs on his armored train for Christmas!

   Sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage.

   If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn't a balloon