Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Black Eyed Peas are to music what actual black-eyed peas are to music

   I slept with an acrobat once. She was lousy in bed. It was like Cirque de So-So lay.

   Forecast for the weekend - On Friday, mild alcoholism with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement close to midnight on Saturday. Increasing chance of big regret and big hangover for Sunday.

   Dad: Do you drink...? Son: Are you asking me? OR...are you offering me?

   Those girls, fake hair color, fake nails, fake tan, fake eye lashes.. and yet they wonder why they can't find a "real" man

   Do you think Ken ever got mad because Barbie's knees don't bend?

   I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.

   Jamaican GPS' would be soo great. “TURN AROUND, MON. YOU GOIN' DE WRONG WAY. TURN DE ODDA WAY MON. KEEP GOIN' DATTA WAY, MON. TURN COMIN' UP ON DE NEXT LEFT. YOU GOT DIS, MON.”

   There were 2 cows in a field. One cow says ''Moo." The other cow replies,'Shut the f*ck up you uneducated twat'',

   Fastest way to get through a crowd: Walk fast, look worried, and yell"Timmy? TIMMY?! WHERE ARE YOU TIMMY?!".

   How can you stand under me, if you don't understand me?

   I find it rude and inconsiderate that my grandchildren haven't time- traveled to come and visit me.

   "Knock knock." "Who's there?""Dave." "Dave who?" Dave holds back tears as he realises his mother's Alzheimer's is getting worse.

   When Hermione's true love left her, she continued on to help Harry defeat the most powerful wizard of all time. When Bella's true love left her, she curled up in the fetal position for four months, cried, and jumped off a cliff..

   just ate 4 fiber bars today, been on the toilet for the past hour :/

   "Knock, knock," "Who's there?" "To.""To who?" "To whom."

   forecast for tonight? Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.

   If you pay peanuts you get monkeys

   666: Some see it as evil, I see it as 3 six-packs!

   ~• << Picture of me when I was younger.