Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I killed my twin because he wouldn't admit that he was the evil one.

   Tim Tebow is staying in the pocket longer than the condom I had in Jr. High

   Lazy fact #254946156, You were too lazy to read that number

   Don't mind seeing a nigg@ with a hideous chubber white girl, but hate it when sh'e's hot.

   Dear Obama, It's ok..... No one believes in me anymore either. Sincerely, Santa

   Friends don't let friends decorate drunk!

   If I say something that offends you, Please let me know so I can say it again later!..

   Breaking: Michelle Bachmann calls for immediate release of US Predator drone pilots downed by Iran......

   MILFs nowadays are 16 years old.

   Me: so doc, if I get this lung surgery, will I be able to do a backflip? Doc: yes, of course. Me: awesome, cuz I could never do that before.

   They say dress for the job you want not the job you have, so today I'm dressed like the Pope.

   Kid birthday parties should just be called get your child sick gatherings.

   Herman Cain's career & marriage are a mess & the media mocks him constantly. Only 10 months ago, this was called #Winning.

   I am on a rowing machine. It's like being on a boat only with less screaming.

   My wife is leaving me because I believe everything I read on the internet. Not worried though, there are some sexy Russian girls in my area.

   Singing passionately in the shower, pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower, not so much.

   Gas prices = robbery without a gun!

   Just another day in paradise, minus the paradise...

   No, Occifer - I don't know how fast I was going (hiccup), but you caught me so obviously I was not going fast enough!

   If you're happy and you know it...I'll have whatever it is you're drinking! :P