Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   following his rehab, Jerry Sandusky will sign on to host the new game show 'Are You Hotter Than A 5th Grader'

   For all of you wondering what to do with your Pujols Jerseys. Keep them! Buy some red tape and put a line over the 5 like this >$

   Studies indicate that most of the damage can be reversed in about 15 years, if you want to let your babies start smoking now.

   If an athlete's photographed with a bong it's an embarrassment; if he's photographed with a beer it's an endorsement.

   If you turn on tennis and shut your eyes it sounds like a porno

   If your bf/gf is deliberately hiding his/her phone from you, your relationship is over. Sorry.

   I bet if you're a stripper, you have panic dreams where you show up in a public place, fully clothed, and you just can't seem to get naked.

   My girlfriend is pissed at me because she said that I never something something and that she has something somethings too.

   I hope the handcuffs I just found in my apartment are mine.

   Morning. Cold again outside but I don't mind cos it makes it more Christmasy. And yes that is a word.

   Saying "Let's hit up dunkin donuts" makes you fat.

   Mmmmm, Thanksgiving leftovers for breakfast. Babe, can you pour more gravy on the green meat please?

   If I ever send you LOL, you should know I prolly faked it! :P

   How's your Pagan/christian-Inspired, Secular Winter, Gift-giving, Observance Day shopping going?

   Still waiting to here those ghost stories they talk about in the Christmas song It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

   I was on a plane today. The stewardess said, "would you like some headphones?" I said, "sure, but how did you know my name was Phones?"

   ♪ ♫ Rolling In The Deep ♫ ♪ ~ Me in my basement rolling a joint.

   If a guy treats you like a princess, he was obviously raised by a queen. If he treats you like crap, well..he was raised by someone along the lines of michael vick.

   The three stages of a relationship: 1. xoxo, 2. xxx & 3. ex

   If the happy in love couples are called "love birds" the miserable fighting couples should be called "angry birds"