Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know those nights when you just can't fall asleep? Maybe it's because you're awake in someone else's dream.

   "You're tall. Do you play basketball?" "You're short. Do you run under tables and kick people's shins?"

   When you have a bad injury, and someone asks you if it hurt, saying "No it didn't hurt. It felt amazing; like two rainbows having sex" is a perfectly acceptable answer.

   Some people are born mature, and some need it thrust upon them. Tehehe... thrust.

   Belle: "My husband is a beast." Cinderella: "Mine still drives a pumpkin." Snow White: "My husband leaves me home with 7 little ones." Mermaid: "Mine wants me to use fishnet stockings." Sleeping Beauty: "I just pretend i'm asleep." Disney's Desperate Hous

   When I die, I want my tombstone to say, "Did not forward an email to ten friends,"

   When it's the only thing standing between you and your comfortable bed, brushing your teeth seems like a huge hassle.

   Dear family, thanks for putting my empty cereal box back in the cabinet. now I can have disappointment for breakfast.

   Drive slow and enjoy the scenery . Drive fast and join the scenery.

   Wednesday a blood relative of Monday!

   "i know one thing, and that's if you don't ask for something, you can't just expect for it to happen."

   It's so cute how the outdoors try to compete with the internet.

   Alec Baldwin wouldn't have been booted from the plane today if he played the part of the pilot

   When animal over reproduce and overpopulate their environment, we step in and cull them, supposedly for their own good. But when human beings over reproduce and overpopulate their environment, we look around for another planet to colonise.

   White parents: "Tommy, go in timeout Kid: NO mommy, YOU get in timeout. Black parents: Get ur ass in ur room before I punch you in the throat!

   I've come to the realization that I have attained the pinnacle of middle aged complacency. My Friday nights are mostly spent with the remote in one hand, and my b***s in the other.

   I need to get a santa suit and walk into the strip club to see what the girls will to do santa to get off the naughty list.

   I love mustache, rides.

   Whenever I see someone running in normal clothes, I immediately assume something is wrong.

   im 99% sure you dont like me, and I'm 100% sure I dont care