Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I googled "what women want" and my screen froze, then my computer started to smoke and caught on fire then exploded.

   RIP Kim Jong Il...and by RIP, I mean Rot in Perdition. May Satan put you in charge of North Hell

   wondering what Hugo Chavez is thinking right about now.

   I throw lemons at life and say learn how to live.

   I'm convinced that everything bad that happens to me is because it's what the universe did for a Klondike bar... Well played universe!

   Those starving without shelter in Africa would be glad to know Americans make houses out of delicious food during Christmas time.

   it's been a terrible year for my fantasy dictator league

   Who is Kim jong ......Wasnt that an 80s song?.......Everybody kim jong tonight........

   Kim Jong died? I didn't even know he was IL

   Feeling poor and full of cookies. You can tell it's Christmas.

   From the way you did your make up, I can tell how much you miss kindergarten coloring books.

   If Eve doomed the entire human race for an apple, I wonder what she would do for a Klondike bar?

   A toast Gentlemen, To girlfriends and wives. May they never meet

   My girlfriend has this sick sexual fetish of trying to cuddle with me after sex.

   I am sorry I didn't recognize you back there. The last time I saw you, you had only one chin.

   Funny new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Bob.

   Liquor stores are open 24/7 when you have a brick.

   If you're not into casual sex, I can put on a bow tie and we'll call it formal sex.

   If you can't take a joke, don't walk around looking like one.

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock against the wall in the morning is the fact that it's also my cellphone.