Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because it was funny last year, does not make it funny this year for you!

   opening a gym called Resolutions in January. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50

   Ever want to say IDK without sounding stupid? Say this: I hesitate to articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy.

   If all her furniture is from Rent-A-Center....she's too hood for you bro!

   I like my women the same way I like my hangover, gone by the time I get out of bed.

   I just seen a video of Miley Cyrus singing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" on YouTube... As if a shotgun to the face wasn't tragic enough for Nirvana.

   Home Alone = Porn at MAX Volume

   A silent fool can pass for a wise man. It's also the Republican Party's best strategy.

   Christmas comes quicker than a teenager during his first dry hump.

   The truth shall set you free. Unless its from an incriminating witnessed then you're screwed!

   Pringles should make their containers like a Push-Pop

   You want your relationship to last? Stop rubbing it into everyone's face.

   Was going to create a group on my FB, but somehow I don't think "Women I want to have sex with" would go over well.

   If I ever catch my girl in the act of cheating I hope homeboy can sing so we can have one of them mr.biggs and r Kelly scenes...

   My "host" friend called me fat and immature tonight. I didn't agree so I took a poo in her cats litter box.

   In my opinion, a horse is the animal to have.  Eleven-hundred pounds of raw muscle, power, grace, and sweat between your legs - it's something you just can't get from a pet hamster.

   Woke up with several traffic signs and safety cones in my bedroom... What did I do last night?

   Don't give me that disdainful look like I just learned to eat with chopsticks. I've been misusing them this way for years!

   It's pretty funny to strap a Christmas tree to the roof of your car, light it on fire, and drive around like nothing's wrong.

   Just held up an Etsy store. Made off with 37 woven hemp bracelets, a crappy candle and $1.54 in cash.