Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   had a meal in a Chinese restaurant and got a fortune cookie that said "be not afraid to walk through the door of opportunity " so I left without paying

   Bought my son an iPad, my daughter an iPod. The wife got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't overjoyed even after I explained that it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook, iClean network. This activated the iNag software update

   Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. But you never forget them. And sometimes, it's those memories that give us the strength to go on.

   So listen, here's the deal; If I wanna hear about god or religion I'll go to church, otherwise I am only here on Facebook to flirt and hopefully get laid.

   Carefully vet all stories regarding the holiday. We don't need another "children dressing as Count Hanukkah the vampire" debacle this year.

   For Christmas I'm asking Santa for a great big sense of entitlement that can only be filled with materialism! - earth kids.

   You know you have a lot of tattoos when you can win an ugly Christmas sweater contest by going shirtless.

   So here's the deal... If I wanna hear about god or religion I'll go to church... So, if I delete you... You know why, Just a heads up....

   Some people are like clouds. Once they f*ck off, it's a beautiful day.

   Before Twitter, how would I have known my soulmate was a 53 yr old man pretending to be a 28 yr old woman outside Milwaukee?

   2nd greatest holiday gift for someone you love. The receipt.

   I ope guys who sag their pants thinking those got SWAG, know that SWAG stands for Sex With Another Guy.

   The festive hustle and bustle of the holiday season sure does bring out the best in no one.

   I am living proof that the Internet can be used to deceive people (I've been dead for two years).

   I looked fear in the eyes.. and I gotta tell ya.. it looked a little sheepish to me. Thinkin' it's all a front.

   You too can make the Yuletide gay with this delicious peppermint-flavored lube.

   Santa is the ultimate hipster. Works one day a year and spends the rest of the year judging you.

   Santa must think my name is Cole.......

   Mediocre sex will definitely get you cheated on.

   One thing my dogs and I have in common is that we never want me to go to work.