Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm pretending. That way, when it comes time to tend, I'll be ready.

   Mandatory face mask when I was a teen... I might have got laid.

   I'm at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn't have to get up to pee.

   Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.

   I'm at Walmart. I'm not buying anything, I just needed a reminder that there are bigger disasters than me.

   Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

   I keep the streets safe at night by staying home.

   sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth

   # He's done the lease amount of leading, and the most complaining then all the previous 44 leaders before him put together.

   Just walked into the shower with my underwear on... how’s everybody else’s quarantine going?

   After 32 days of quarantining, I'm officially a f@t cu^ t.

   I'm at a The Clash concert and I'm not too sure if I'm enjoying it.. Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

   I’ll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day! Almost on Monday Almost on Tuesday Almost on Wednesday Almost on Thursday Almost on Friday Almost on Saturday Almost on Sunday.!

   Eskimos have over thirty words for ‘snow.’ That’s nothing, my wife has over 100 words for ‘F - off I’ve got a headache.’

   Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

   Hey, you married people doing okay? I haven't heard "I'm so blessed" or He's my everything" for a few weeks now...

   My ex-husband once gave me a book called Banish Your Belly, Butt, and Thighs, and the fact that he’s now Single, Bald, and Fat is one time the universe has come through for me.

   Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

   Has anyone checked the math on the Mayan calendar to see if it was off by about 8 years?

   After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this