Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Roomba has seen too much.

   To all the merchants trying to make a buck off of Christmas...Go elf yourself!

   When it gets dark early, the universe dares the drunk within me to get started.

   It amazes me how all of these infomercials talk about different ways to make your pen!s larger, but they never mention just playing with it.

   All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”

   I'm starting to think it's probably not that hard out there for a pimp.

   I declined an iTunes Terms & Conditions update. Immediately my phone rang. A cold robotic voice said "wrong move silly human."

   Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. And thats where I come in.

   I got 99 problems and sexual frustration plays a huge part in all of them

   "Eww, I'm so ugly." Like oops I think you spelt "I want attention" wrong. Confidence is key ladies.

   If Mac users care more about the environment than Windows users... Why do Macs have a trash can, and Windows have a recycling bin ?

   Ladies: If you get an an argument with your man and you want to win or just want the argument to be over with, Just get naked and see how fast his attitude changes...

   Just saw a baby that was wearing a shirt that said, "not everything stays in Vegas"

   I think we need to be more concerned about dinosaur ghosts.

   I almost got raped in jail. My family takes monopoly very seriously.

   Guy: Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? Girl: No Guy: (pulls pockets inside out) would you like to?

   My doctor told me not to lift anything heavy... So now I sit down to pee.

   Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road I'm going to leave and come back dressed as Santa Clause with a sign that says, "Help, need ride."

   Me: Wow everything seems right for once. Life: Hold on let me f*ck it up.

   Exit Facebook, close laptop, get into bed, unlock phone, check Facebook ....