Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love how people fight via facebook when their in relationships... Why even bother changing the relationship status to single.. When you know you ass is guna change it back in 15mins! Do us all a favor an STFU!

   Every town has a "pink" house. Really, what the hell is up with that?!?

   When I was 5 I used to be a paedophile but I guess I grew out of it.

   You know my name, not my story. You've heard what I've done, not what I've been through. So stop judging me.

   She says her heart belongs to Jesus but she is half naked in most of her profile pics. Ho put some clothes on before you put your name in the same sentence with Jesus.

   Geez, how many pigs do I have to kill to get the term "hamicide" to catch on.

   God gave me the ability to pee and brush my teeth at the same time. I'm like the Tim Tebow of he bathroom.

   Man, this wall is high. My back is owie. - Spiderman at 37

   I scrape my knees to feel. - emo kindergartner

   TIP! Never wear a Santa hat with a jingle bell at the tip when trying to secretly jerk off in the women's bathroom stalls.

   This infomercial salesman just screamed that the phones are going crazy, so I immediately threw mine across the room and sheltered in place.

   I just threw a D battery through my neighbor's window because he played 2 Sublime songs in a row.

   My favourite Christmas gift was a 24-pack of high-quality socks. I have worn them all already and now I'm depressed and in withdrawal.

   Which sounds classier, "dong," or "schlong?" I'm writing a letter to my grandmother.

   I need to stop reading into things like the song "You're So Vain", probably isn't about me and just becuase she thinks you're funny doesn't mean anything but that.

   WARNING: Life portrayed on Facebook maybe more screwed up than it appears.

   Not all men are dogs...most of them are puppies.

   217. I hate it when you go out on a date with a girl and she asks to hold her purse and it doesn't match your shoes.

   Women want solutions. Men don't want problems.

   Facebook does NOT ruin relationships. Relationships ruin Facebook.