Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is a comedy for those who think, a tragedy for those who feel, and a pie eating contest for me

   Technically, I don't really go to bed. I just give up on the day.

   The more I get to know other people, the less I hate myself.

   Don`t flatter yourself, I sent a friend request not a marriage proposal.

   you know it's cold when chickens are running to KFC to use the deep fryer.

   The ads on the right-hand side of my screen are for Meth awareness, 'Get Yourtself Tested' & buy or lease a Jaguar this Christmas...So, Facebook has catagorized me as a disease-infested, drug-loving sl*t that needs a car & dosn't care for the environment.

   dear santa, I found the shoes I want, text me for my size

   I don't follow basketball all that much but based on all you NBA fans' posts it sounds like Howard Stern is much better then this David Stern fellow...

   A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

   Internet Issues: Open a new tab & forget why.

   A 24 hour weather channel? Why? We had the same thing like that when I was growing up... it was called a window...

   I'm wearing my Sketcher Shape-ups, or as I affectionately call them: Can't-Get-Laid(s).

   I found out I don't have testicular cancer. My dentist told me after I woke up. Nice guy, he didn't charge me.

   Oops. Out of milk. Guess who's having disappointment for breakfast...:(

   You know you're drunk when you can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne

   "Daddy tell me a bedtime story!" "Sure honey. Once upon a time, a little girl wouldn't go to bed. Then she died.

   I'm going to open a store and call it "Don't Patronize Me."

   Mariah Carey grew to hate Christmas. After she recorded all I want for Christmas is you, she only gets a house full of relatives now.

   Did you here about the elderly couple who lived next to a church? .....They were making love to the rhythm of the church bells..........A fire engine went passed and the old man died of a heart attack.

   If you hold a woman up to your ear and wait til the screaming stops....you can faintly hear her tell you she wants money, house, cars and fine jewelry!!