Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just replace the Star of David with a UFO, and now this nativity scene depicts the birth of Suri Cruise!

   That scene in Boogie Nights when Julianne Moore says "C*m on my t!ts, if you can, OK?" epitomizes what the holidays are like with my family.

   America's favorite neighbor isn't Applebee's. It's the neighbor I just met whose garage door code is the same as his ATM Pin (3-5-9-8).

   When I watch TV alone, my thumb is like a park bench for my nuts.

   Now that I'm older, I sometimes wonder If Hobbes really was just a product of Calvin's imagination.

   If you leave your phone unattended around me there is a good chance I will send a text to all of your contacts that says "I have recently turned gay."

   When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of chocolate covered toothpaste.

   Nothing says 'I hope you choke on this and die' like the gift of a fruitcake

   Just got back from my high school Football coach's funeral. I leaned over the casket and whispered "YOU walk it off".

   The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.

   Status update: Still Lower middle class hoping to become Lower upper class but wishing I was Upper upper class.

   Dear Santa, I didn't want to make it too hard for you this year, so, the only thing on my list this year is 1 year paid leave from work. with bonus

   How do you keep a blonde occupied for a few hours? Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.

   That akward moment when you don't really like your crush. You like the imaginary version of them which you created in your head.

   If you smile in a Walmart and you have teeth everyone will think you're fancy.

   Sure I'll quit Facebook. Just as soon as someone teaches my 'real life' friends to be as funny and cool as my 'fake' Facebook friends!

   At the end of job interviews I always ask, "On a scale of 8-10, how amazing was I?"

   The world's oldest profession? Unemployment.

   I would take a bullet for my wife, unless it was fired out of a gun.

   How do I politely tell a new guy at work that “I do the jokes around here”?