Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Ladies: Wear more confidence than makeup.

   Every time a white guy sags his pants, somewhere in the world, a black baby grows up with a father.

   During sex. I suddenly stopped and didn't move. She: "What are you doing?" Me: "I've seen this on YouPorn, its called Buffering

   People have to stop drinking from wells they didn't dig.

   My ass and Charmin Ultra Soft is a better love story than Twilight.

   My new year's resolution is to make better bad decisions.

   The world would be a better place without guns. Then we could focus on important things...like how to kill a man with one punch.

   If I ever find a hot chick's "To Do" list. I'm so adding my name to the bottom.

   Gold Digger is another term for "smart hooker"

   Just once, I wish WebMD would tell me "relax...it's only gas".

   If you are the one who always make plans, remember all the anniversaries, do all the crying and forgiving in a relationship, end it.

   Fellas: Make sure you always treat the women in your life with respect and dignity. From your grandmother, mother, sister to your girlfriend or wife, because a woman never forgets how you treat her.

   I know I'm a few days early but I'll just go ahead and say it, anybody... I mean.. ANYBODY who says "see you next year" on New Years eve to me is getting punched in the face. FYI

   lol @ "If he pauses his game to text you back, marry him".. We never pause it, we're just waiting to respawn.

   I need a new refrigerator. There's no food in mine.

   Brees created quite the Hurricane in New Orleans tonight

   It's amazing how quickly a MILF becomes a MILL (Mom I'd Like to Leave)

   I think most of Adele's songs are about a cheeseburger.

   And thus begins the 11-month unemployment season for handbell choirs.

   Subway is like prostitution. You pay a stranger to do your wife's job .