Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Santa is an unfair a$shole, He gives the more expensive gifts to the wealthier kids!

   Life is like a pen!s. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard.

   People who give up their dreams to support others', you are idiots.

   Somewhere, someone is looking for someone exactly like you.

   If your neighbor invites you to come inside, please don't take it too literally. That's how you end up with a baby or in jail.

   The best feeling in the world: When your teacher/lecturer announces that he won't be coming to school tomorrow.

   I spend so much time improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.

   Don't call me if I texted you. Don't text me if I called you.

   Mediocre people do mediocre things.

   Swallow my babies so I know your love is real.

   I'm gonna get "Shake well before drinking" tattooed on my pen!s.

   What I love most about my ex is that she is someone else's problem now.

   Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.

   I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.

   I hate those jerks who claim, "If you don't vote, don't complain". That's like going to a restaurant, and the only two items on the menu are s**t and vomit, yet it's my fault the place failed because I didn't order either one.

   Hi My name is Miggz, I enjoy counting money and dancing when there is no music playing

   Admit it, you love them so you Facebook stalk them. You over think your status updates in case they read them & you look @ all their photos several times a day.

   Newt Gingrich is the Republican front runner? I wouldn't bother getting those moving boxes just yet, Barack.

   When I am home alone and I hear a noise, I freeze and listen.

   There should be some sort of device that instantly makes my bed less comfortable when my alarm goes off in the morning.