Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A guy at Kroger asked me if I know where Engagement, Ohio is. I said it's between Dayton and Marion.

   Who else has been drunk the entire month of Mapril?

   I like seeing people with no mask or gloves on. Just raw doggin' life

   The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill, with a thank you note.

   You'd think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they'd be able to reverse into a parking spot.

   Went looking for milk but all they had was nut milk no one seemed to want, which makes me wonder if calling it nut milk had anything to do with that?

   I just wanna take a vacation and get nastier than a black jelly bean

   Lots of mothers are gonna be surprised when their Mother's Day gift is a barrel of oil

   You can't say $1200 ain't sh*t if you qualify for the $1200...

   It's so hard not to get reckless with this $1200 check. I think I'm gonna go buy me a tiger

   Half the day, I wonder if it's too late for coffee... The other half, I wonder if it's too early for alcohol

   If you are driving alone in your car with a face mask on... Stay home... Even after this is over...

   Negative people have a problem for every solution.

   Some of y'all need to be worried about that 420 credit score

   #you sound like you got a stimulus check. Not only is Trump your prez, he is your sugar daddy

   She had a eye on one tiddy, and a pair of lips on the other tiddy. An' I'm hopin' I ain't got to kiss nothin'.

   good morning, I see the screw sticks are bashing our beloved prez again

   Peppa Pig's Daddy: " No, kids, I never porked Mommy. That'd be redundant."

   Obeying the stay at home order, I've been doing a lot of house cleaning. In the basement I found my kid's old Speak and Spell, which I immediately mailed to the white house.

   #He said the reporter didn't have the brains they were born with? Ha ha ha. If that isn't the pot calling the kettle black.