Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My kitty always likes to lay between my legs.

   I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty enough.

   Who give's a rat's a$$ if its your first time to post here! Stop trying to get some attention and post something funny already.

   Obama asking the Iranians to return the Stealth Drone was probably the biggest joke of 2011.

   monday - friday , we work. saturday - sunday they party I'm still @ work. they sleep I'm dreaming!

   Facebook needs to add these to the relationship status options: (1) Messing around, (2) Using someone, (3) Afraid to commit, (4) With so-and-so until something better comes along.

   If we all start to talk to people than about people then this world would be a better place.

   My relationship status is like my iPad... I don't have an iPad.

   There must be a lot of people who need glasses...so they can see things my way.

   Anyway you can take down the "never on schedule, but always on time." comment

   the "Poke" should display the time of "Poke" that way you know when there thinking of you most!

   The EPA has placed sanctions on Santa for using such fossil fuels as coal and switches... The EPA has instead, mandated Santa use wind and solar.....In accordance to EPA regulation bad kids will now receive a hydrogen filled balloon and a match.

   Re-up with Sam Hurd this weekend just isn't going to happen...

   X says Some people wish that Morgan Freeman narrated their lives. I on the other hand would choose Kevin Arnold from the wonder years

   Definition of Happy: When the police check-point station picks the car behind to pull over for random search

   Lil Wayne = 5% Black 95% Tattoos.

   I'm pretty sure the guy who invented dino nuggets had a heck of a time trying to explain to everyone else what he was aiming to achieve.

   Dear Real Life, why don't you have background music?

   Everything is so much funnier when you're not allowed to laugh

   Reading your best friend's status and thinking, "Ha! I know exactly who that's about!"