Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best place to hide a body is on page 2 of Google's search results

   After lesbians have sex, I bet there's an insane amount of not shutting up.

   Fellas: If most of you lazy b@stards handled your business well between the sheets there would be fewer lesbians in the world.

   A man's weakness is women and a woman weakness is money.

   My plan this New Years Eve is to avoid people who have plans this New Years Eve.

   When you realize Facebook has made more changes than Obama...

   I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings, I'm a drunk, we go to parties.

   twighlight did to vampires what brokeback mountain did to cowboys

   1. Vodka is made from potatoes. 2. Potatoes are vegetables. 3. Vegetables are good for you. 4. You're welcome!

   1. Vodka is made from potatoes. 2. Potatoes are vegetables. 3. Vegetables are good for you. 4. You're welcome!

   I toss and turn until 5 minutes before the alarm, then I drift peacefully off to sl--*beep*beep*beep*beep*!

   Nothing aggravates me more than to hear a career politician say, "I am not a career politician."

   i may be drunk, but you're ugly, and I can sober up.. when I feel like it

   What is it with all Highways across America where once grown men get on there.. they are immediately obsessed with sticking their finger up their nose to their 2nd Knuckle ?

   My New Year's Resolution For 2012: I Vow Only To DRINK ON THE DAYS That Ends With The Letter "Y" (-̮•̃)

   next year I'm wrapping all of our Christmas presents in bubble wrap....it will be like two gifts in one!!!!

   They should make a app for the IPhone that yells "Code Blue Stat" when the battery is weak.

   My ex told me "You don't take our relationship seriously anymore its over." "Finish your sentence, over." I giggled into my pretend walkie talkie.

   I'm sorry but I dont understand some wh!te people...They are the only type of people I see in 20 degree weather wearing sock and sandels with shorts on acting like its f*ckin summertime..

   They should create an app that makes your cellphone go "ahhhhhh" when you plug it in.