Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   D.N.A actually stands for National Dyslexic Association

   If you were walking through the Mall today and saw me sitting in Santa's lap , it isn't what you think .

   All those years of phone sex has caught up with my grandfather. He has hearing AIDS

   Delta: Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive

   Tampax will discontinue tampons with strings on them, it appears that midgets have been stepping on the string.

   we spend the money we don't have, to buy the things we don't need, to impress the people we don't like.

   How you get sleepy after crying, It's like your mind is telling you, “you've suffered enough, it's time to shut down for a bit.”

   The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning.

   Hate it when insurance companies sends the settlement with my name mispelled and right address..

   Birthdays then- 'Wow! Look at all these presents!' ... Birthdays now- 'Wow! Look at all these notifications!'

   Some people may hate you for being different & not living by society's standards, but deep down... they wish they had the courage to do the same

   Ho Ho Ho= the first 3 girls on Santas naughty list

   I try to let women think I'm mysterious and not hard up....that's why I wait a good 45 seconds before I Poke someone back on facebook.

   If men are from Mars, that would explain why we try to probe everything.

   Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is SethMacFarlane and his Evil Genius.....and an Occupy Wall St. Family Guy!

   every time I hear that jolly fat guy with the red suit and reindeer belt out his familiar "Hoe Hoe Hoe"....I cannot help looking around for my ex girlfriend

   talk is cheap, but I guess that's the only thing your broke ass can afford

   If you wake up with a weird taste in your mouth on Chrismas morning, just remember that Santa only comes once a year...

   I DON'T have EX's! I have Y's. Like "Y the hell did I date you?!"

   I'm too embarrassed to tell you how many times I've mistaken insulation for cotton candy.