Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alright brain, I don't like you and you don't like me. So just get me through this exam so I can go back to killing you slowly with alcohol.

   FACT: Handicapped parking spaces to handicapped drivers ratio is way too high.

   If I am home alone, there's a 96% chance I'm naked.

   Fact: Women are the leading cause of herpes. How do I know? It isn't called "HISpes" is it?

   I wonder what happened and at what point a youngster decides, "When I grow up, I'm going to be a proctologist".

   i feel sorry for future generation college kids.....we buy our books & can sell them back...in the future it will be a kindle download you cant sell back

   ◔◡◔ stalk mode; on.

   I asked my Heart : Why can't I Sleep at Night? My Heart told me : Because you have already Slept in the Afternoon. Don't act like you are in Love !

   AOL puts Sandusky news on their sports page. Molestation is physical but it's not technically a sport is it?

   If Jesus guides Tebow on the field, he also guides me through the buffet at Sizzler, so please achieve peace with that.

   Fracking - because only man would want to create something so toxic it can kill rocks.

   My girlfriend asked me if a fleshlight lights up like a flashlight because it would be a great dual purpose tool. I can't argue that.

   Just when you think uni-brow humor has reached it's peak, BOOM! Telemundo steps in and takes it to the next level.

   Alarm, snooze, check Facebook...

   I didn't know call girls charge by the hour......still have 57 minutes left, I hope she knows how to cook!

   I'll never be convinced there's not someone hiding under my bed just waiting for the chance to grab my ankle.

   No one is more judgmental than a waitress questioning if you've saved room for dessert.

   "I bet you're told this all the time" means you are about to hear something you've never heard and it's probably going to sting a little.

   Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people's backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.

   today I was awoken at 3am by my child laughing hysterically in his sleep. All I could think of is "man I really wish I didn't watch so many horror movies cause I'm creeped out!"