Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry, I can't hangout. My uncle's cousin's sister in law's best friend's insurance agent's roommate's pet goldfish died. Maybe next time..

   You know what would really be epic? If people would stop using the work epic when describing things that actually aren't.

   Nothing like sitting back and watching the people who stabbed you in the back fall apart.

   HOW can dogs sniff out bombs, save a guy from drowning, keep you from walking into traffic, but CANT figure out how to UNWRAP themselves from around a tree!

   Most relationships fail not because the absence of love, but because girls love to much and guys love to many.

   Good girls get presents at Christmas. Bad girls get presents all year long.

   watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven't taken him away from his parents yet.

   So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

   I just changed the name of my wireless network to....♫ ♪ Pretty Fly for a Wi-Fi ♪ ♫

   Before Twitter Americans had no way of knowing the illiteracy rates of their favorite celebrities.

   Seems like MTV is moments away from just using people's vacation footage as television programming.

   All these end-of-the-year top 10 things that happened in 2011 lists must be handy for people who were asleep all year or dead.

   The only mistake that I regret is the one where I let you live after you reminded me of every mistake that I've made.

   I hate people who make me nervous! Oh but I love making people nervous!

   OMG I just realized I haven't closely looked at the palm of my hand in like maybe 20 years ! Those white thingies are still under the skin all these years !

   Every picture of you, is of you when you were younger !

   I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel

   dear autocorrect...I actually did mean that I was "w*nki°g on the desk in my office" and not "working".

   We love Lesbians!!! We love Lesbians!!! ~ Jerry Springer Audience

   How do you know when your girlfriend is putting on too much weight? She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.