Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have been teased by friends and family that I spend way too much time on Facebook and that I really need to get a life. I am happy to say that I DO have a life outside of Facebook, but unfortunately I have forgotten the password for it.

   Having a "20 items or less" express lane at Wal-Mart is pointless when your customers don't know how to count.

   Most women are open to anything in bed if you make it clear you're not going to get anything in their hair.

   Did you know if you say "beer can" with a British accent, you have also just said "bacon" with a Jamaican accent?

   3 things that should never be broken. 1. Hearts 2. Promises 3. Condoms. Sometimes the breaking of # 3 causes 1 & 2 to break.”

   "Mmmm. I like that. That smells nice. I'm gonna piss on it." - Dogs. And R. Kelly.

   Fellas: Let a woman wear the pants in a relationship. They are coming off later anyways!

   that weird momment when ur pet comes in ur room, stares, then walks back out.

   Giving people the benefit of the doubt is usually just a polite way of temporarily overlooking their stupidity.

   Divorcees: Because one man's trash is another man's booty.

   Whoever invented Copy & Paste should have been awarded a Nobel Prize.

   When watching the DIY network your remote should automatically not allow you to change the channel or volume. So now you have to get up and......

   HIM: “You look like a Barbie!” HER: “Thanks. You mean tall, slim and beautiful right?” HIM: “Hell no! I mean plastic and without a brain.”

   You know it's time to do laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

   LOVE putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They're so warm and cozy, and it's fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.

   I wonder how long I'd be on hold if my call wasn't important to them..

   I'd be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.

   I have a life outside Facebook...but I have forgotten the password for it.

   'One Direction's Zayn Malik vows to ditch the fags' - I didn't know he was planning on starting a solo career.

   I wonder what Rebecca Black thinks of Samoa skipping out on Friday?.......