Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some guy is yelling, "Man, I'm fu*kin' such an idiot!" I said, "That's poor grammar, you should say, "Man, I'm such a fu*kin' idiot." He goes, "Naw man, I mean I'm having sex with someone with an IQ of 25 or lower."

   You know I might not be the best looking but back in the 80's my COMMUNITY voted me 2nd place and $10 in a beauty contest. However shortly after that by CHANCE I went straight to jail and didn't collect $200

   I love the holidays. A time when people are supposed to be more nice and caring, actually become bigger a$$holes than they are the rest of the year.

   The biggest trick life plays on us, is the inability to fully appreciate something until it's gone. Except for broccoli.

   I am such a thoughtful Lad! I bought my ex a chair for Christmas. But the power company won't let me hook it up.

   HAVE YOU FOUND A REAL JOB YET?!!!!! no,i've been searching for a FAKE job that'll pay me FAKE money,to pay all my FAKE bills off,so when I retire,i can move to a FAKE retiree home in florida.

   Server Maintenance is scheduled for December 16 @ 8:00pm EST. Stay tuned for a new layout! More

   3 Year Old: Mommy, was daddy ever inside you like I was? Wife: Yes. But only for a minute... two tops. Me: ...

   I haven't gained weight. I'm just retaining cookies.

   Dear Santa, I don't want anything for Christmas except for the person reading this to have an amazing Christmas.

   "I didnt do it..." "Then why are you laughing?" "Cause whoever did it is a f*cking genius!"

   "You will never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory" - Spongebob

   Santa is an unfair a$shole, He gives the more expensive gifts to the wealthier kids!

   Life is like a pen!s. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard.

   People who give up their dreams to support others', you are idiots.

   Somewhere, someone is looking for someone exactly like you.

   If your neighbor invites you to come inside, please don't take it too literally. That's how you end up with a baby or in jail.

   The best feeling in the world: When your teacher/lecturer announces that he won't be coming to school tomorrow.

   I spend so much time improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.

   Don't call me if I texted you. Don't text me if I called you.