Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The two things a wife can do to make her husband happy are, pack her bags and leave.

   Date: Yeah I’m gonna go. Me: *At the top of the slide at McDonald’s* Are you sure?

   They should change the name of our galaxy from the Milky Way to the Snickers. Let's face it, we're all nuts.

   If we are being honest, we all have dated a man/woman that we would feed to a tiger.

   Your biggest mistake was grossly underestimating the number of egg rolls I can eat.

   In celebration of Earth Day, I'm just gonna go outside and stare at the ground for a while.

   I ran out of sterile gloves, so I’m just wearing boxing gloves when I go out.

   What do you do if you are an atheist and your stuck behind a car that has a "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS" bumber sticker?

   Calling occupents of interplannetary craft ..

   3 addictions I have while quarantined 1) restaurants 2) nonessential businesses 3)touching my face

   I need this find a stay-at-home job. Hey Facebook you hiring?

   I can't believe it's already 5 o clock and almost time to get moving from the couch to the refrigerator.

   Two more rolls of duct tape and I should have this tv mounted.

   Have a toke, it's not peer pressure, it's just your turn man

   I miss the old everybody. Ain't nobody the same no more.

   How come the same people who don’t trust the government telling us to stay home all of a sudden trust the government when they tell us it’s OK to go back?

   I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately.

   Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

   I asked my North Korean friend how it was there and he said "I can't complain"

   Casinos are offering curbside pickup. just call ahead and they'll come out to your car and take your money