Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never tip restroom attendants because they already got to listen to me poop, and you can't really put a price on that.

   I'm that guy that will add you as a friend on Facebook and then not talk to you the next time I see you in real life.

   Just had my first-ever bowl of porridge & the first one was, in fact, too hot.

   My girlfriend said she's sick of me 'always being RIGHT'.... So I LEFT

   What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons

   Most people in church right now are praying for the service to be over.

   I spend 40 hours a week in the friend zone... therefore I'm entitled to benefits!

   I am done making fun of fat people, they have enough on their plate already.

   You know it's time to lose weight when none of your towels fit.

   I don't know why it's so hard for ugly people to get laid. Just get together with each other. Problem solved.

   Hey Great Britain... we welcome you to invade the United States. Thanks....Americans are too lazy to do it themselves.

   What the heck do you mean a can of Pringles is not considered ONE serving??!!

   i just hate it when I buy a loaf of bread with an odd number of slices. That last slice always seems to get neglected.

   I've learnt that money can't buy love, it can only buy you attention and company while it lasts.

   Some things just never change. You know that kid who used to steal your favourite toy only to break it and throw it away? Now he is the douchebag who steals your girlfriend, use and break her heart then dump her.

   Ladies: There is no sign language in love. If he didn't say it, he didn't mean it. Stop assuming and putting words into his mouth.

   The higher the monkey goes up the poll, the more you see of the monkey's butt.

   Call one of those sexy girl hotline and they charge by the minute. Just my luck I got a sexy girl who stutters

   used to be funny, once a pun a time...

   go search google for let it snow. very cool effect.