Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My ex was bisexual. I had to buy her stuff for her to become sexual.

   Why were the first two guys in Superman so excited about seeing a bird or a plane?

   Damn!! My glasses fell in the toilet, now I can't see for sh!t!

   A salesman hugs a girl. GIRL: What the hell is this? SALESMAN: It is direct marketing. GIRL: *slaps him* SALESMAN: What was that? GIRL: A customer's feedback!

   been married for 20 years and has sex almost every day....almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday.....

   I'm not superstitious. Stitious, yes, but not in a heightened sense. I am, however, super lazy sometimes.

   Why does it have to be believer versus atheist? Can't we all just look down on those astrology weirdo's?

   I know today is starting out to be a bad day, even my Rice Krispies went SH*T,CRAP,AND F*CK .

   Patients To An Indifferent Medical Staff At A Penile Implant Clinic: "Can't we all just get a long?"

   F a New Years Resolution, I want another year to goof off.

   If you can't afford a Doctor, go to an airport- you'll get a free xray and a breast exam and if you mention Al Qaeda , you'll get a free colonoscopy.

   Note to self for when I'm ready to take over the world: Kiwi and corn in the same day turns a cute baby into a deadly environmental disaster.

   National Sarcasm Society - Like we need your support...

   Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

   When I can't get an automatic faucet to turn on, I achieve a whole new level of low self esteem.

   My doctor drums up business by refusing to refill my prescriptions until I come in to sit in their waiting room full of people with the flu.

   When I'm drunk I just hit any buttons and put my faith in autocorrect.

   If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.

   I don't have regrets, I have times I was "just bein' Miley."

   Nobody knows the person you no longer want to be like your family.