Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After meeting an ole high school friend for lunch, she said "my, you smell good, what do you have on"? I replied, "I've got a hard on, but I didnt know you could smell it"!

   They say "don't drink and drive" but yesterday I was drinking a juice box while riding my tricycle. It made me feel dangerous!

   Chuk Noris knows everything. Except for one thing. And he knows what it is.

   I have a dream that one day I'll be able to go to work and get a pay check that 35 percent doesnt go to people that have no jobs and do nothing but smoke weed. I cant wait til November.

   I can tell I'm getting older because I need flaxseed, coffee, fiber supplements, a laptop, an iPod and a smartphone in order to take a poop.

   Here's two people with scoliosis attempting to have sex - ??

   husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire". The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No." > Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" > She responds, "Yes." He says, "Then, Id like to call a friend."

   Note to Self: These Note to Selves don't work.

   I just had a fart so epic & explosive Michael Bay has agreed to direct the sequels!

   I've been told by several women that I'm a great listener. A majority of whom, have huge boobs.

   Thinking about memories with my Ex makes me look forward to Alzheimers

   "From what I can remember" is the best way to start a story.

   Dear old love, I used to think I had a really low sex drive. Now I realize it was just that I wasn't really attracted to you.

   in need of some long johns

   Well it is a new year, a time to start fresh, a time to move foward and learn from the past, a time to begin what was never started, and finish what was put off. It is going to be a good year, I know it, I can feel it and I am going to make it happen.

   Dear Yellow Pages delivery guy, Could you please just deliver those to my recycle bin......it'll save me a step.

   in Egypt & i'm like WOW!!! did they get to 52B.C. & think... we got this far... let's stop?

   I am funny and I know it.

   Does anyone else remember when we bought boots at K-Mart, for 15 dollars, to wear when it snowed? Now they sell those same boots for 300 dollars and call them UGGs. . . .

   Eating memory foam DOESN'T cure Alzheimer's? Well...it SHOULD