Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you are not at the table, you are probably on the menu.

   BBC News: "Man critical after Specsavers car park crash." He should have gone to . . . Oh

   If men stopped holding doors open for them, would ladies just pile up outside?

   Your Christmas present will be all the more meaningful to me if you had to pepper spray someone in order to get it.

   Nothing that Facebook changes will ever keep me from stalking you.

   I smashed open my piggy bank earlier. I've got just about enough in it to buy a new piggy bank.

   Ladies: you know your eyebrows are bad when you go to a funeral looking real happy.

   The bra section. The only place in the world where you fail if you get an A.

   Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? I pulled up next to this chick in the car putting on mascara and it just didnt look right with those yellow teeth!

   If at fist you don't succeed, Google it, and see if someone else screwed it up the way you did.

   Life is a b!tch, and Monday's its son..

   Right now your holding your phone in your right hand, having your 3 fingers behind, your pinky on the bottom & scrolling down with your thumb! :)

   RUMORS are carried by HATERS, spread by FOOLS and accepted by IDIOTS.

   Dear God, its me again. If you are not busy making rich people richer, can I have a minute of your time please?

   Im gonna laugh when the day comes when our generation is saying "You spoiled little brats! All we had in our day was Xbox's, PS3's, iphones, flat-screen tv's & laptops, you ungrateful little sh!t"

   These girls in my online class are sooo hot hot. ... Oh wait nevermind, that's just internet porn.

   Kim Jong il last words. "Hey, you're Chuck Nor....."

   I'm looking for a LeBron James sort of relationship. No ring and I can disappear when you really need me.

   Putting your iPod on shuffle… “not this one.” (←_←) “or this one.” (←_←) “BINGO!” ~(','~) (~',')~ \('-'\) (/'-')/ \('-'\) (/'-')/

   Jesus had a snuggie first