Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After Drinking- Men talk unnecessarily,become emotional,drive badly,stop thinking, fight for nothing & make mountains out of molehills. Hats Off to Women.They can do all this without DRINKING!!!

   if a tree falls on a woman and no one is around to hear it, why was there a tree in the kitchen?

   OMG Starbucks is raising the cost of coffees/lattes by another 10 cents..I cant afford it anymore!!!!!!!!! $ 4.50 was the highest I could pay !!!!

   I just went to Whole Foods to do my grocery shopping. I now call it "Whole Paycheck".

   I just invented "5-hour Energy Popsicle" and now my nose won't stop bleeding and I'm seeing ghosts.

   Casey Anthony referred to her computer as "something I can call mine". OMG!! That means she's going to kill her computer next, not the dog.....

   so if you have a google phone or an I phone I just found out that the police scanner radio's are free to download and fun to listen to just search police radio in app store or the market and enjoy listening to what goes down in any city in the world

   I like my men like my Vodka: Gone in the morning!

   Life is long and rough, S*ck my life!

   TOWEL MAN : If you're wet, call me!

   ever take a poop so big your pants fit better!

   It's adorable how people assume I'm interested in anything they have to say before I've had my coffee.

   You guys see the Casey Anthony video diary yet? I think she's grown. She looks like the kind of person you could start, and then murder a family with.......

   So you want to get married when the divorce rate is 70% and get a degree when there is no guarantee that it will actually get you a job?

   Selfish people end up with no real friends......and they deserve it

   Facebook needs to change up the Poke thing. They need to add a "Mad Passionate Pelvic Thrust" button.

   I quit smoking!!!! if the world is coming to an end in December 2012, I will be so pissed .....

   The wife doesn't like the term "fingerbang" so I said I wouldn't call it that anymore. Now I say digitblasting, she don't like that either.

   If you don't already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.

   Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.