Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Baby, I would delete almost all of my p0rn for you.

   The NCAA is going to run this new commercial, "There are 11 players on Clemson's defense, and all of them will be going pro in something other than sports".

   If being sexy was a crime, they would never press any charges against you.

   Your lack of a Facebook Photo makes some wonder if you are shy, a wanted criminal or just intensely unattractive.

   Christian music: 2% thought provoking lyrics about god and life. 98% bad metaphors about god, that seem oddly sexual.

   After Drinking- Men talk unnecessarily,become emotional,drive badly,stop thinking, fight for nothing & make mountains out of molehills. Hats Off to Women.They can do all this without DRINKING!!!

   if a tree falls on a woman and no one is around to hear it, why was there a tree in the kitchen?

   OMG Starbucks is raising the cost of coffees/lattes by another 10 cents..I cant afford it anymore!!!!!!!!! $ 4.50 was the highest I could pay !!!!

   I just went to Whole Foods to do my grocery shopping. I now call it "Whole Paycheck".

   I just invented "5-hour Energy Popsicle" and now my nose won't stop bleeding and I'm seeing ghosts.

   Casey Anthony referred to her computer as "something I can call mine". OMG!! That means she's going to kill her computer next, not the dog.....

   so if you have a google phone or an I phone I just found out that the police scanner radio's are free to download and fun to listen to just search police radio in app store or the market and enjoy listening to what goes down in any city in the world

   I like my men like my Vodka: Gone in the morning!

   Life is long and rough, S*ck my life!

   TOWEL MAN : If you're wet, call me!

   ever take a poop so big your pants fit better!

   It's adorable how people assume I'm interested in anything they have to say before I've had my coffee.

   You guys see the Casey Anthony video diary yet? I think she's grown. She looks like the kind of person you could start, and then murder a family with.......

   So you want to get married when the divorce rate is 70% and get a degree when there is no guarantee that it will actually get you a job?

   Selfish people end up with no real friends......and they deserve it