SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   How is it that people who think they know everything never know when to STFU?

   Grocery stores need a "1 case of beer" check out line.

   Gift cards are still the best way to say "I'm too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you'll buy drugs if I give you cash."

   I am at my most evil and manipulative when I think there is a chance I can get you to buy me a hot air balloon.

   Kim Jong II is dead & things aren't looking so hot for his official lookalikes either.

   People who make noises with their chewing gum should be put to death. I just decided.

   We sympathize with, but must reject any articles on how to quickly turn a candy cane into a shiv at stressful family gatherings.

   AOL puts Sandusky news on their sports page. Molestation is physical but it's not technically a sport is it?

   If Jesus guides Tebow on the field, he also guides me through the buffet at Sizzler, so please achieve peace with that.

   Fracking - because only man would want to create something so toxic it can kill rocks.

   My girlfriend asked me if a fleshlight lights up like a flashlight because it would be a great dual purpose tool. I can't argue that.

   Just when you think uni-brow humor has reached it's peak, BOOM! Telemundo steps in and takes it to the next level.

   The Anti-Christ came to my Christmas party and turned all the wine into water. Hate that guy.

   Considering that not one of those Three Wise Men bothered to bring a crib or diapers for Baby Jesus, they should simply be known as 3 Dudes.

   Sometimes I take the bus instead of drive because there aren't usually 11 hot Mexican chicks in my car.

   Frankincense: an aromatic resin used since ancient times in religious rites. Do not confuse with Frankincense's Monster, an affront to God.

   On the 5th day of Christmas? Christmas is ONE day. Convert to Judaism if you need a longer holiday.

   The next Mission Impossible movie should be two hours of Tom Cruise trying not to jump onto a couch after drinking seven Red Bulls.

   I am well-armed for the war on Christmas: Ground-to-air mistletoe, check. Pecan clusterbombs, check. Canister of peppermint spray, check.

   You can always count on mom's to gasp in horror when you're about to hit a car that's 300 yards away.