Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Part of me says "I can wear my sunglasses at night"...But the other part says "Fool you know you clumsy enough in the daytime"...

   who else pretends someone you like is randomly watchin u, so that you do whatever you were doing 10x better?

   To do list: go to a bank wearing a ski mask. complete a normal transaction. leave as if nothing happened.

   you know your hungry when your stomach sounds like chewbacca with a ballpoint pen up his a$$

   Jesus: "Spare the lives of the over 30,000 children due to die from starvation today or help Tebow log a symbolic 316 yards against the Steelers? Hmmm..."

   Guys, the only thing that beats playing with your kids is playing with the box they came in...

   Myth Confirmed! It's better to be a virgin over a rapist! TEBOW!

   UK 1984 - "Feed the World". USA 1985 - "We are the World". And they wonder why they're so f**king fat.

   And the defense of the sinners shall part like the red sea when he, the chosen one, drives his team to victory. Book Of Tebow 3:25

   Oh so now I'm invisible to you? That's cool. I've always wanted a superpower.

   the state of Colorado has just converted it's time zone from Mountain time to .....TEBOW TIME!!!

   Dang, you look better than ever. LOL JK, you've been hittin up McDonalds lately, right?

   Greatest fear in life…. Someone will find a way to retrieve everything I've ever googled.

   Approximately 80% of my regrets involve hitting “send”

   When FB stalking someone & I find out their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

   My New Year's resolution is to lose just enough weight so that my gut doesn't jiggle while I brush my teeth...

   Good friends will bail you out of jail. Best friends will be sitting in the cell with you, laughing about how awesome that just was.

   My parents told me: “You've got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.

   Me without you is LIKE Facebook without friends, Youtube without videos, Movie without music and Google with no results.

   I was blinded by your beauty so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.