Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   2011's hot new toy is "Outsource-Me Elmo," which comes in an empty box as Elmo's job has now gone to a Muppet in Asia.

   Ever look around the room at your family and think to yourself "it's amazing I turned out as good as I did." Then realize you said it aloud?

   I hope everybody enjoys the new air guitar I sent them for Christmas.

   I guess my main gifts are in the garage or still at the pet store or something. This is the only rational explanation I can think of.

   If I was homeless, I'd play it smart. My sign would say "Will have sex with any woman for food." That way, both of my needs are satisfied.

   the weighing scales are crying "b*tch please! I ain't going to lie and go lower"

   I found a sealed turkey sandwich, ranch dressing and gatorade in my car. Santa must of mixed my car up with my stocking.

   if you negate those who celebrate for the presents, or for the excuse to drink, or for the day off work, or for the reason to party, or for a morning in bed, the amount of people who truly celebrate Xmas is lower than the nos of actors in a 1 man show!

   Who else is hiding in the bathroom at their mom's house drinking?

   Parental criticism getting you down this holiday season? Just remind them that coffins are cheaper than nursing homes.

   Hi. I'm a hot single chick. But I can't be in a relationship because I have to cater to my two lazy, spoiled teenage brats 24/7/365.

   I may not always celebrate holidays, but when I do, I prefer Christmas. Stay cheerful, my friend!!

   If you don't JUMP OUT OF YOUR SEAT at "Streaks on the China..." from the Mr. Belvedere theme song, then get the Heck out of America.

   I don't always make sense but when I do idont

   I don't always finish my sentences but when ido...

   It's important to have a woman who cooks.2. It's important to have a woman who makes you laugh.3. It's important to have a woman trust you.4. It's important to have a woman that's good in bed.5. Its very important that these 4 women don't know each ot

   If a guy named David has his ID stolen, do we have to call him Dav?

   It is by far the most beautiful lump of coal you have ever seen..

   I don't just laugh in dangers face. I bend it over a chair and pull it's hair!!!

   Holiday family gatherings are stressful because you're forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a completely sane person.