Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The last time I saw a Tiger get beat that bad it was by a blonde swinging a golf club!

   My new favorite way to flip people off is to put my middle finger to my forehead and say, "Look, I'm a Unicorn!" Yup. I'm that mature.

   i just shot gunned a 22 ounce beer and followed it up with pedialyte... now my stomach hurts

   mad as hell my toaster oven burned my toast again....I must be Black-toast intolerant.

   A wise man once said "_____". Fill in the blanks when you find a wise man.

   To the guy that just passed me with a "General Lee" car on his trailer, I HATE YOU!

   Seventh Day Adventists...What you're telling me is the very next day after God rested...he came up with the Gregorian calendar?

   I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

   Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio.

   Just farted in CVS. I basically can't be tamed.

   Guys, don't put a smiley face in your texts to other guys. It's like wiping standing up. You learned it wrong.

   Just did that thing where you dump an entire pot of spaghetti on your head and start crying.

   My daddy didn't come to my play in 2nd grade so now I do MMA.

   Thanks, Phillips Colon Health Lady, for proving there's no need for a healthy diet if we can just eat crap & take a pill.

   Use yes and no once Are you gay?:________ .. Are you lying?:________

   DOUCHEBAG: "Bro can I use your phone to call my girlfriend?" ME: "Yeah sure, just hit redial."

   Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you

   If I didn't ask for your opinion, don't think i'm going to care what you have to say.

   First big snow fall of the season and the TV news is acting like the terrorism threat levels just moved up a spot or two.

   Tebow? And are you in love with him? Cuz you sure talk about him alot...