Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I heard the government is putting chips inside people... I hope I get Doritos.

   Trying to figure how I know people from their profile picture is making excepting friendships harder and harder with all these masks.

   It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, A beautiful day for a socially distancing neighbor.

   We have so much in common. You love to travel and I want you to go

   You know, with my cats seeming enjoyment for cleaning themselves I’m not sure why they don’t have a cat food called Kibbles & Butts

   Two Lessons Learned. One by me, the other by my cat. Me: Always check the dryer before starting. Cat: Never sleep in the dryer ever again.

   Soooo, I went to Home Depot to pick up a power washer and BBQ grill. With everyone wearing face masks 😷I brought home the wrong wife. After shes done with the deck I'm taking her back! 🤣 🤣 🤣

   Wish facebook would stop showing me dating websites as, besides the fact Iv never felt the need to use one, I don't think this would be a stella time to go out and mingle with strangers.

   Sitting here wondering. Did anyone ever figure out where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

   Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today, and nextday

   # He pretends to be ivy league. When he's actually more bowling league.

   If you want to save some money, now might be a good opportunity to tell your kids that Santa did not survive the pandemic

   Its friday night! Querentine facebook party going done on my wall tonight and your all invited!

   # They should call the daily press briefing, the daily depress briefing.

   # For someone who doesn't know what they're talking about, he sure does do alot of talking.

   I went into take my shower this morning and accidently washed my hair with Dog Shampoo. But on the upside, at least I don't have to worry about getting fleas.

   [Me in Heaven] God: You're about to get your wings. Me: Great! Buffalo or BBQ? God: Get out.

   I'LL TRADE YOU A 12 PACK OF TOILET PAPER FOR A POUND OF HAMBURGER

   All our dogs think we are staying home every day just for them and all of our cats are thinking we got fired from our jobs because we are the losers they always knew we were

   After this pandemic is over, I don't want to see any more memes claiming that you could live in a cabin alone for a full year for a million dollars. You literally couldn't stay in your house for 5 days to save your grandmother, soooo......