Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   in A & E after swallowing Lego. They don't seen worried but I'm sh1tting bricks 

   Float like a butterfly and sting like a bee....today is my birthday and I am 70!!

   Obama to visit Disney World on Thursday. I was there last week and a Cast Member told me villains didn't make appearances much anymore!

   Like you've never tried using the Force to reach the remote.

   People who go to the liquor store and buy a pint of whiskey are poor planners… what are you going to drink tomorrow?

   Some people can rely on their personality for birth control.

   The three magic words EVERY woman loves to hear, “You were right.”

   Er, excuse me, Mr. Swagger, Either walk a little bit faster or buy a damn belt.

   Trying to Fool me is like trying tosneak Sunrise past a Rooster !

   happier than a Puppy wagging two tails !

   Fuzzy, shaved, hairy, landing strip, brazilian, I love them all..

   Wondering if there will be an 'End of the World Sale'

   You can steal my status if you like but just know I lick each one before I post them!

   Happy Birthday to one of the greatest athletes EVER ..Muhammad Ali ...Happy 70th

   Can someone please tell me why Johnny Depp has an British/Irish/ or something European accent??? The man is from KENTUCKY... Not Ken-toh-kay... but KEN-Yeee Haw-TUCKY!!!

   Do you think they will have an end of the world sale?

   I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone's lawns so freshly mowed.

   Trying to understand quantum physics. Cause trying to understand women is just too damn hard.

   I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.

   What would it take to bring back fat Al Roker? I feel like we were a better America then.