Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I love to cook with wine, sometimes I even put it in the food."

   "As an alternative to dieting, I'm going to simply refer to myself as "value-sized"."

   5 years and nine months after you do it doggy style...prepare to feel guilty by the products puppy eyes!

   She just kept b!tching about me drinking to much beer, so I said I could deal with this hangover better if you would shut the f^ck up.

   All the stupid Tebow trolls can GFY... Brady is gods chosen son sorry Bronco fans...

   Man posted "saved 30 people from a fire" 2 ppl like this, female half naked in her pic posted "the mail man didnt come today"= 65 ppl like this

   If there is a good chance your son will go to prison as an adult , don't name him Vivian .

   I wish this conversation had GPS because you lost me about 20 words ago.

   My friend's 3 year old asked me to marry her today & I said yes, but now I don't want to. (She's mean & she dresses weird)

   Nothing excites me more than seeing my knife shine in the moonlight. Now I wait.

   Dr. Phil died. I mean... he's dead to me. Close enough.

   Rhinos are really just old, fat unicorns. Don't argue. you know i'm right.

   It's a small world. Unless you gotta walk home.

   My cats think I'm the best cook.

   I don't think I could be friends with anyone desperate enough to choose me as their emergency contact.

   Why I wear thick, fluffy socks: 1% Comfort 1% Warmth 98% Increased ability to slide across floor like a fricken ninja on an invisible surfboard

   I guess I should come up with a plan B in case the murderer that breaks into my house figures out how to get this blanket off of me.

   We all have chapters, in our lives, we don't want published. Be reminded though that it's those chapters which make the book worth reading.

   On the internet you can be whoever you want. It's odd that so many choose to be stupid.

   Have a headache take medicine, side effects- drowsiness, hunger, loss of family and baldness up to three months,