Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   woke up having unintentionally lost his virginity to a newly unsprung spring in the bed :(

   the waitress asked me what I'd like to order...I said "**x on the beach"---she misunderstood me and got me the drink!

   Mancode violation 83970138- No matter how much of 70's baby or 80's kid you may be, man shall not sing Girls just wanna have fun by Cyndi Lauper

   What happened? Are y'all ok today? FB needs a Dr. Phil button this afternoon. Half of you are Facebook bi-polar anyway....Inspirational in the morning and cursing folks out in the evening.

   It's almost tax season. Anyone have some spare kids?

   Money is paper, paper come from trees thus money grow on trees!

   Mufassa reminded me so much of my dad... and he too saved me from a stampede of wilda beast

   Loving me so much , I'm just going to "like" my own status .

   I have a dream, that I could just get paid for having a dream.

   Every rapper out there thinks they are the next Tupac. But they seem to want to bypass the part where Tupac was the hype man on the Humpty dance.

   We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity

   The LIKE button: also for choosing sides in a Facebook argument without saying anything.

   Happy "Most of Alabama Hates This Day" Day!

   Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies is the main reason why I have trust issues.

   I have sexdaily. Oops, I mean sexilady...no, sexydial...uh isexlady...no, I really mean sexyladi...um ladiesxy? Dyslexia - there that's it!

   I guess it did mean "Discount Double Check" after all

   On this day remember an American Legend, Robert E. Lee, someone worth remembering.

   Hostess is filing for bankruptcy? Buy all the twinkles, zingers, and ho's ho's as you can! D:

   I wonder if young people on honeymoons today have as much sex as we did when I was young. For the first week on our cruise, most people thought my wife and I were Siamese twins.

   Judging from Axl Rose's physique, Paradise City has green grass, pretty girls and an abundance of Twinkies.