Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not proud of this, but I haven't showered since last year...

   Last night I jerked off so good that when I woke up my D!ck was in the kitchen making breakfast

   Just saw several boys gathered in the neighbors yard, figure it's probably related to someone's milkshake, or a drug deal....too soon to tell.

   I sleep better naked…why can't the flight attendant understand this?

   Me: I wasn't that drunk.. Myself: Dude, you were talking to yourself! Me: ...and... Myself: ...and you still are.

   The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

   making a NYE resolution is like making a wish...you dont need to tell everyone

   I bet there was a lot of red solo cups used last night

   If everyone "resolves" to not care about the Kardashians in 2012 do you think they'll go away?

   My number one New Year's Resolution is: Don't die.

   Eating some food from last year.

   I had my identity stolen the day after Christmas. It was reurned in yesterday's mail with $20 and a note that read, "Damn dude, no one owants to be you!"

   We all enter this world in the same way: naked; screaming; soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

   I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

   Be creative, invent a perversion.

   My sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others. Your welcome!

   Happiness is going to your sons wedding, seeing your ex-wife and fighting the desire to shake the hand of the man who she left you to be with and say, "thank you, I really dodged the bullet on that one"

   According to D!ck Clark this new year's eve is going to be the "besjtkdksnsm newsjsjsoa evesjdddb."

   Can you imagine watching Jersey Shore in Smell-O-Vision?

   Congrats to Lebron James for getting engaged, his fiance now leads the family with 1 ring.