Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just drank a manly Dr. Pepper 10 and now my balls are too big to fit in my pants.

   "Nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying." - The Joker

   Always have a fake name at the ready so you don't tell the cops something stupid, like "Andrew Granola."

   Yawning is the body's way of saying '10% Battery Remaining'.

   I started an Alcohol Free Diet today. So if its Free, I drink it.

   People with a Bluetooth look like they're communicating with Douchebag Mission Control.

   doesn't care what the #1 song was the day he was born.

   i still know what you did last summer........... cos you posted it on facebook!

   I must be a lesbian trapped in a man's body... 'coz when I see an "all you can eat" sign, my mouth gets so wet...

   Boy: "Can I buy you a drink?"..................... Girl: "Alcohol is bad for my legs"........... Boy: "Why? Do they Swell?".....Girl: "No, they spread."

   Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!

   Now that I have hit 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka. I wonder if Metamucil will mix with Bourbon? Hmmmmm.....

   rihannas forehead would be perfect for imax movies

   I love "me" so much, my Dr gave me a nice jacket that helps me hug myself!

   If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!

   when I know I have terrible gas, I sometimes wear a gas mask in the shower because 'shower farts' are by far the deadliest

   if I were sitting in a jail cell right now, why would you think I was there? ;)

   I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!

   Why do we spend so much time looking for intelligent life on other planets? I'd be happy to find intelligent life here in Government first.

   I hope I never get renal failure. I've really come to enjoy having a functioning renus.