Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am still wondering when exactly do I become an adult?

   I drink heavily on the weekends so I can be able to deal with my workmates during the week.

   Found my wife's vibrator the other day. Now I'm not saying it was big but I'm seriously thinking about entering it in Robot Wars.

   Walking around with a clipboard and suit on..Makes me feel very important...Even tho I'm not doing anything besides just walking around.

   Uh oh. Wikipedia is going black that means it's never coming back.

   SOPA: Stop Oversighting Public Activity!

   If someone says they "rescued" a dog, immediately kidnap it so they can perform another heroic rescue, since they're into that.

   A lady working at our bank walks with the cutest limp ever. I often fantasize about her naked, walking in a big counter clockwise circle.

   Facebook is STILL insisting that I might know Fred Savage. What- do they think I'm a goddamn superhero or something?!

   Limbo, Gluttony, Greed, Anger, Heresy, Violence, Fraud, Treachery - The eight circles of hell when visiting a Walmart. Lust is at Best Buy.

   Wait, it's "let it go"? I thought it was, "If you love something, drop it off a building." Boy, have I been doing that wrong.

   I feel better now that I have my Facebook friends ranked in descending order of who I'd eat in the event of a food shortage.

   I can't grow sideburns but hope to one day have ear-hair that's long enough for a combover.

   I'm not just great in bed. I'm great other places, too.

   "Vagisil Wash" is regular soap marketed to really really insecure women.

   When the fake-thunder sound effect goes off in the produce section, I know it's time to urinate on the lettuce.

   It's difficult for me to knock Scientology because most of the lies I've told for money were far more insane.

   I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

   Many of the problems in Rick James's life could have been avoided if he could have taken Superfreak home to mother.

   The Bermuda Triangle has been quiet lately. Too quiet.