Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Uh oh. Wikipedia is going black that means it's never coming back.

   SOPA: Stop Oversighting Public Activity!

   If someone says they "rescued" a dog, immediately kidnap it so they can perform another heroic rescue, since they're into that.

   A lady working at our bank walks with the cutest limp ever. I often fantasize about her naked, walking in a big counter clockwise circle.

   Facebook is STILL insisting that I might know Fred Savage. What- do they think I'm a goddamn superhero or something?!

   Limbo, Gluttony, Greed, Anger, Heresy, Violence, Fraud, Treachery - The eight circles of hell when visiting a Walmart. Lust is at Best Buy.

   Wait, it's "let it go"? I thought it was, "If you love something, drop it off a building." Boy, have I been doing that wrong.

   I feel better now that I have my Facebook friends ranked in descending order of who I'd eat in the event of a food shortage.

   I can't grow sideburns but hope to one day have ear-hair that's long enough for a combover.

   I'm not just great in bed. I'm great other places, too.

   "Vagisil Wash" is regular soap marketed to really really insecure women.

   When the fake-thunder sound effect goes off in the produce section, I know it's time to urinate on the lettuce.

   It's difficult for me to knock Scientology because most of the lies I've told for money were far more insane.

   I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

   Many of the problems in Rick James's life could have been avoided if he could have taken Superfreak home to mother.

   The Bermuda Triangle has been quiet lately. Too quiet.

   You can call me many things but never, ever call me a 'scofflaw'. It's a stupid word.

   My advice is to make money the old fashioned way (by intercepting Spanish galleons transporting gold from the New World).

   Ordered a plunger and a snare drum on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, thank me

   its been so windy lately, I think mother nature ate some bad Taco Bell.