Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you are ever invited to anyone's Emotional Amusement Park, always aviod their Roller Coaster of Stupid Mistakes and ask them to meet you at the Carousel of Common Sense.

   preparing for sunshine but expecting rain.

   perfume and frustration...smells like you got stood up.

   go into a crowded room, shout, "HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON ME?" whoever turns around and answers is a bad person.

   It's almost midnight and my bed right now is like that special girl you fantasize about having sex with...I want to get in it so bad.

   I always help people when they need it......not when its convenient for me! And I always stand behind my word ...Its called being a man!

   FREEBIRD! (When you purchase a bird of equal or lesser value.)

   Governments that try to control the internet are SOPAthetic

   Ladies, easy way to tell if a guy is married? Look into his eyes, if there is any sign of life left, he's single.

   The single most suspicious thing you can do when someone walks into the room is to minimize your browser

   Lil Wayne = 5% black. 95% tattoos.!!

   "Let's talk dirty" ... "What DID YOU SAY?!" ... "I said it's 10:30...

   If I was stranded on a desert island & could only bring 1 thing, I would bring Dora. That b!tch has everything in her backpack

   The government closed Megaupload and Piratebay.org might be next.. But life goes on.. We will always find a way.. Mark my words.

   I would love to see Flo @ Progressive hook up with Mayhem @ Allstate. Their kids would be bright, shiny, bundles of conniving, deceptive, destructive energy!

   Why do people feel safe under blankets? It's not like a murderer will come in thinking “I'M GOING TO KILL.. Ah darn he's under a blanket”!!

   why do you keep talking to me? what part of "I don't care" do you not understand?!

   My voice is so gay an awkward sounding.. I make it deeper at work on the phone or over the PA system to sound like "one of the guys"

   I love "words with friends" so much I wish they would make it a board game.

   -Grandpa, how the World War III started?- Well kid, one day the FBI closed MegaUpload and MegaVideo, then...