Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every business has its busy season. The gyms are now bracing for their two-week onslaught of door crashers.

   Ladies: You texted him but he hasn't texted back? Don't be too quick to assume he is ignoring you, instead assume he was obviously so excited to get your text message that he fainted.

   Nothing says “Good Morning… I Love You!” like morning sex.

   Morning sex means, “I love making love to you so much that your dragon breath doesn't even phase me.

   An Irishman walks out of a bar... No, really, he walks out.

   Stretch before sex: every year 11,000 Americans are injured trying tricky sexual positions.

   WARNING: Drinking alcoholic before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

   Wife: Promise me, you'll let my mom ride in the first car with you at my funeral. Husband: OK, but it'll ruin my day.

   If you're gonna copy my status, at least put me as a reference.

   B.O.B = Bacon Over B!tches

   I look forward to the day I get to complain to my grandkids about how when I was growing up we didn't have 3D porn.

   I am super tired... well its regular tired except I have a cape... okay just a blanket and one hell of an imagination

   YOU JUST PROVED IT! ADVERTISING DOES WORK! THIS SPACE FOR RENT AT AFFORDABLE PRICES!

   Maybe, just maybe, the guy that was in charge of designing the Mayan calendar just died when he got to December 2012 and nobody else felt like continuing it because they were like, "why the hell were we planning that far ahead anyway?".

   I could post the funniest status ever and I'll still get at least one dislike. Hi hater!

   Whatever's wrong with me, it's a pleasure.

   Drank so much over the weekend that I'm giving a new meaning to "Shooting Craps."

   Charles Barkley's head looks like an Angry Bird.

   predicting to go another year without love... as long as I have apple juice I'm good though.

   Nothing like falling in love with a sociopath to make you question your judgement.