Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate that heart attack moment when you miss a step on the stairs. It makes you cherrish life there for a moment.

   Why is it always the least attractive people who post pictures of themselves daily? No, I do not "heart" your duck face.

   Captain Coward's excuse that he "fell into a lifeboat" is heading into "the dog ate my homework" territory.....Don'y you think?

   The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.

   Some of you must be really tired from jumping to so many conclusions.

   The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you're still a child.

   LADIES: I don't mind if you wear the pants in our relationship, because if I'm doing it right, you won't have them on for long...

   "Mommy! There's a monster under my bed!" "That's silly. There's no mOH GOD! IT'S TEARING MY ARM! Kidding. He only eats kids. Goodnight."

   You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

   I know it's the 100th year anniversary of Titanic and all that but aren't the Italians going a bit far with their tribute?

   Trying to understand quantum physics, because trying to understand women is just too damn hard.

   I hate to admit it, but I've got a serious drinking problem. I don't have any more money to buy liquor.

   I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the face to wake it up.

   I hate when I'm singing a song and a co-worker thinks they can join in and sing with me. D!ckhead, this is not Glee!

   I'm starting to think that when people tell me "I can't believe you have a child!" they aren't referring to my youthful appearance.

   How I Sext: HER: :-P ME: 8===D HER: :-O ME: 8===D~~~ HER: :-) ME: ZZZZzzzzz

   making a Sexual Bucket List: 50 Things to Do Sexually Before You Die

   Sometimes.... when I cut onions.... I cry...for no reason... I cry... What the f**k is this vegetable trying to tell me ???

   I see your lips moving, but I just hear blah blah blah

   Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” I said, “I am.”!!!