Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard. So, just me? Okay.

   *at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin* Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

   My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

   Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

   This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

   Just think. If all parents were pro-abortion, it's likely we wouldn't be here to argue over it.

   Yellow cars have the lowest crash rate, according a different pole

   i was looking at the bigbustycoons site... Those guys have some big bus companies

   yellow cars have the highest crash rate, according to a pole

   I invented the cold air balloon, but it never really took off

   I dont win marathons because I'm lucky, I win them because I'm driven

   When I cancelled my gym membership I had to submit a too weak notice

   I am having a weird day, first I found a hat full of money, then I got chased by a guy with a guitar.

   Anyone else feel like Halloween is unnecessary this year? I mean I’ve been wearing a mask and eating candy for the last seven months. I don’t think I need a day dedicated to it anymore.

   By their early thirties, the average person has unsubscribed from more email lists than they have days left to live.

   Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

   In high school I was voted class clown because I dragged like three kids into the sewer

   Since drinking hasn’t killed me yet, I can only assume it’s making me stronger...

   If you drop a cookie on the floor and bend down to pick it up does that count as a squat?

   "Welcome to my man cave". Proctologist: "Please stop calling it that"