Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I have this figured out .... politicians are a bunch of rich people convincing poor people to vote for the rich people by telling the poor people that the "Other" rich people are the reason they are poor

   Why put dry powdered sugar on French Toast when the good Lord created Log Cabin syrup?

   Purell better be working on a combination sanitizer, and murder hornet repellent.

   My biggest fear is getting a murder hornet stuck in my facemask as I shovel snow Saturday morning in May.

   What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb...

   Just heard that facebook is letting all their employees work from home which makes me wonder. Hey facebook you hiring?

   The pubs in Ireland are closed until Aug 10. Pubs in Ireland. So by all means lets open Cracker Barrel right now.

   Pro tip: If you have a cat and money is tight, bird seed is cheaper than cat food.

   I'd like to cancel my 6 week trial of socialism please...

   Good morning. Okay so money can't buy happiness, but it CAN buy bacon. Close enough.

   I wonder if the offers I had as a kid, "slap you into next year" still stands.

   I randomly changed all the contact names in my phone. However, I can't remember who they actually are. So far today, I've been texted by Willy Wonka, Spongebob Squarepants, Charlie Sheen, Nancy Pelosi and Jerry Springer.

   OK, I can understand why you're mad at me, but the horse I rode in on had nothing to do with it.

   It really freaks people out when I use my invisible hula hoop.

   I'm not sure I'm excited about ordering a drink at a bar once they open again. The drinks are going to be awfully weak compared to what I've been pouring!!

   Bill Gates is telling everyone what to do about the virus but he can't even stop windows from getting a virus...

   The lady in front of me at Wal-mart has six kids and is buying a baby gate. I want to tell her a chastity belt might be a better use of the money.

   Everytime I decline a friends request from Jerry Garcia I always wonder what if?

   When you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead. The pain is only felt by others. The same thing happens when you’re stupid

   Had I known back in March it would be the last time I'd be in a restaurant, I would have ordered dessert.