Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop

   Remember, alcohol is way cheaper than therapy.

   Lost my Droid for an hour. The day I lost my daughter at the zoo is now the second most terrifying experience of my life

   I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks

   I read an article the other day that said "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic" thank god I only drink every night!!

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments

   Sometimes the Birthday reminders on facebook remind me of the friends.i need to delete

   I dieted for a month and all I lost was 30 days

   Smoking doesnt kill people...People who are trying to quit smoking kill people

   i thought about exercising all day long....I am sooo exhausted

   Mondays aren't so bad....its my job that sucks a**

   I'm one of those people that tried this at home

   Do you know that feeling when you have a lot of work to do and you dont know where to start? Thats why I'm on Facebook

   was planning to do something today, but I havent finished doing nothing from yesterday

   two guys walk into a bar..i was one of them. I dont remember anything else

   if you want to know anything, come over to my house...i have a kid that apparently knows everything

   money talks....but all mine says is good bye

   Lite: the new way to spell "light" now with 20% fewer letters

   getting to work on time only makes the day longer

   The BIG difference between men and women is that women will complain if they switched genders while men will appreciate the opportunity!