Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys, ever have a dream where Angelina Jolie goes down on you and her lips explode all over your crotch? No? Well, you will now...

   Driving through rural Oklahoma in the AM trying to make it home quick to the kids. I'm a country song right now.

   a busy day of laying on the couch while snacking and watching football ahead.

   single and ready to mingle! And by mingle I mean get laid.

   If they bought food instead of paints and brushes, there would be far less Starving Artist's.

   I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you've ever done in your life

   When I play a fighting game, I press random buttons and hope for the best.

   They should just make highway rest stops out of Purell.

   If you think 7 years of bad luck are to much for breaking a mirror.. Try breaking a condom

   At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I'll never know.

   During 2011, I was always drunk, crude, rude and flirtatious; just want you know that in 2012 you can expect exactly the same behavior.

   Did you know, if on a full moon if you light a candle and say the name of someone you love 3 times, you'll look stupid doing that?

   You don't have a drinking problem; people without arms have a drinking problem.

   If my doctor ever tells me I'm not healthy enough for sexual activity, at least I'll know how I'm going to die.

   I hate when fat people say, “You couldn't walk a mile in my shoes”, I am like, “Look here Fatty, you couldn't walk a mile in your own shoes either.”

   Did you ever blow bubbles as a kid?... Well he's back in town

   Dude, she called you short! "Oh Hell No! Lift me up!"

   Finding yourself overwhelmed with office paperwork? Use it to roll the biggest joint ever.

   You sounded funny to your followers until I blocked you.

   You gotta hump a few clunkers before you can fondle a ferrari.