Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   marry the 1st girl who unhooks it for you! She hates to see you struggle

   I have this roomie who must go thru half a roll of toilet paper every time she uses the bathroom. I'm going broke. Some people are so @nal when it comes to wiping their a$$.

   Behind every great man is a great woman telling him he's not as great as he thinks he is.

   "My alarm clock probably thinks I have anger-management issues."

   The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.

   Late fees make no sense. Charge me more money for not having enough money to pay you in the first place. Same with overdraft fees. I'm $2.00 short in my account (which means there is no money in there)......so take out $35.00 more.

   Well, this morning has started out like a galloping golden retriever on a freshly waxed hardwood floor.

   I'm giving you all the MTQ $ex Guarantee. I guarantee you all will have $ex tonight. It's just that it may not be with another person.

   Do I hate people that ask questions and answer them themselves? Yes, yes I do!!

   A man who saved a 10 year old girl from being abducted claims to be an illegal immigrant. Great, now they're stealing Batman's job too.

   Google the terms SOPA an Chris Dodd and you will discover the true source of SOPA and a far over-reaching government..

   Coming soon this decade, GREAT DEPRESSION 2. Starring the U.S. Citizens. Produced by NWO. Directed by "The Ones Who Run This Country". This event is rated EF for Everybody's F*cked.

   Do you look at a Doritos chip closely at how much flavor is on it right before you eat it? The more flavor, the better.

   I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge ... when I'm high.

   “Can I use your phone to call my mom?” “Yeah, just hit redial…

   that annoying feeling that results from when I comment on someones status/pic and they dont respond but when the next person does..they write a novel response and yet still ignoring my comment and I'm stuck in between

   "You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that" - Life

   My vegetarian friend could not understand why I brought a bottle of ketchup on our hiking trip. “In case we get lost.” He's slow. Tasty slow.

   I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, Shark, Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him

   I just cooked vegetables on my Foreman Grill....is that even legal....I feel dirty..