Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fact: No woman has ever shot a man while he is doing the dishes!

   Now that I have hit 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka. I wonder if Metamucil will mix with Bourbon? Hmmmmm.....

   rihannas forehead would be perfect for imax movies

   I love "me" so much, my Dr gave me a nice jacket that helps me hug myself!

   If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!

   when I know I have terrible gas, I sometimes wear a gas mask in the shower because 'shower farts' are by far the deadliest

   if I were sitting in a jail cell right now, why would you think I was there? ;)

   I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!

   Why do we spend so much time looking for intelligent life on other planets? I'd be happy to find intelligent life here in Government first.

   I hope I never get renal failure. I've really come to enjoy having a functioning renus.

   If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck it's a drunk white woman having her picture taken in the club.

   "You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that" Sincerely your Ex

   Sending my regards to Seal. Hopefully, this won't scar him for life.

   Happiness comes from the changes we make for ourselves, not the changes that people want from us.

   I don't want to offend anyone, but this FB app everyone seems to be doing, you know the one with the #1 song played the day you were born, well I really think some of these should be shown on an 8 track or LP instead of a cassette...

   Deny,Deny,Deny..If they aint got pictures,they aint got sh*t!

   I hate it when foreign numbers call my cell asking: "Hi, who is this??" ...You're the one that frickin called, why don't you tell me?

   Nothing says success like waking up at 6:00 pm.

   Sex is like school .. you miss a period & you're in trouble.

   Whenever my girlfriend gives me stuff to do I just add it to my bucket list.