Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.

   Charlie Sheen says he's back to reality and is not crazy anymore. My ex-wife says the same thing.

   Your mama is so ugly when she went to a nude beach she was asked to cover her face.

   Enough respect to women who know how to roll bada$$ blunts.

   Taking my car to get fixed today. I don't need a bunch of little car mouths to feed!

   It's so strange to think that before Facebook all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads

   Yesterday was the birthday of both Elvis Presley & David Bowie, neither of whom have gained any weight since 1977.

   The music business is always chasing trends. Adele sells millions, so RCA makes Kelly Clarkson gain 80 pounds.

   One time on Long Island I saw an all-Guido adaptation of 'Life is Beautiful' called 'Life is Freakin' Mint, Yo.'

   Beyonce gave birth by a C-section? Guess she didn't want her thing stretched out

   middle of the night and in my boring backyard. No gold to dig up and no dead bodies to bury...sigh

   Sometimes I just feel like putting my head down, curling my arms in and falling forward to the ground... 'Cos that's the way I roll!

   Apparently this guy in the next stall doesn't want his feet tickled.

   He ate healthy, stayed fit, very well mannered, and got ran over by a truck.. what are the odds.

   I wish I could dance like a black guy. Or have epilepsy. Either way.

   Alcohol-The best night time:slurring,headache,dehydration,drink spilling, charm killing,so you think you can dance"medicine."

   Wow I guess David didn't beat Goliath, Tim Tebow did... what a game.

   going to the dark side they have cookies

   That Chinese tattoo on your neck must be the symbol for unemployment.

   "Things to not say on an airplane?" Hmm. Let me think......................"Islamic prayers?"