Funny Status Messages

   I'm getting through the elections without a headache by using a wonderful Facebook feature you can find under settings then scrolling down to where it says log out.

   I don't have a secret china bank account anymore because it's no longer a secret.

   As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.

   Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

   Me: "Hey Siri, why do I always mess things up with women?" Her: "My name is ALEXA..."

   Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

   Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

   October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

   Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

   *Comes home with seven 5 lb bags of Halloween candy. Husband: Didn’t you see the email? There’s no trick or treating in the neighborhood this year. Me: I saw it.

   the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when I got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

   My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

   Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

   “I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

   freezing my eggs so I can chuck em at his house later

   Wait…was it my left or your left? -me as a surgeon

   I hope we’ve all come to the realization that huggers were the problem all along.

   Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

   No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything I just don’t know how to be in public anymore

   The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home