Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you ever take a couple of ibuprofen just in case?

   As boy's we all way's wondered what was in a girl's diary.Now facebook has shown us !!

   Somewhere in Africa right now, a honey badger is calmly eating cobras, unaware that last night it jumped the shark.

   If I ever do drag... My stage name is going to be Amber Alert.. That way I'll have everyone looking out for me

   The problem with the whole 'Tebow' thing is the prevalent Christian mentality that god has the time to help Tebow make a miraculous 80-yard touchdown, yet He can't be bothered to save innocent children who are dying of cancer, or are being murdered.,

   Friendship between a fat person and a skinny person must always be viewed with the suspicion it deserves.

   What is the real value of a RAT'S ASS? And why do we refuse to GIVE ONE? If I had one, ur welcome to it.

   if I took a drink every time Musburger said "Honey Badger", I would have passed out in the 3rd quarter.

   If Your Hair Isn't Long Enough For A Ponytail Don't Put In One!

   The best place to survive a zombie apocalypse is where it most likely began. Walmart.

   Not everything that cometh your way is yours to keep. Some things are meant for temporary use only. And that applies to people too.

   Never trust a woman with smelly armpits.

   A friend in need is a friend who's going straight to voicemail.

   Myspace, the Nickelback of the internet.

   Leaving your cell phone unlocked near your girlfriend is like leaving a cake near a fat kid. They will sure as hell go through that sh!t.

   Ghetto word of the Day: DISAPPOINTMENT. Usage: My Parole officer said if I miss disappointment they gonna throw my ass back in jail.

   Hey Rihanna, do you mind if me if me, Lil Wayne, Drake & the guys skateboard on your forehead?

   Keep your woman close and your cell phone closer!

   waking up early is for the birds....

   if you use the word "chillaxin" your automatically a cornball in my book.