Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What no one tells you about rock bottom is that it has a fantastic open bar.

   I lost a friend overnight, It was very sudden. There must be a reason, but I can't for the life of me think what it might be. Now they're gone. Yesterday I had 583 friends, now only 582 I hope everyone reads this far before they say "sorry for your loss"

   im smart because I can play stupid to perfection

   attended a fundraiser for a new women's shelter called "Tempura House"...apparently they work with Lightly battered women..

   The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.

   whenever people ask me why I am putting on so much weight, I like to answer with,"Well, trying to grow brea$ts so I can get more likes on my status updates!"

   You know its tax season when people start posting pictures of their rent money

   The dislikes for the above post...guess where THEY live?

   You can take the "trash" out of the trailer, but you can't take the "trailer" out of the trash.

   6.9 billion people, 6.9 billion different opinions about life, the world, and God.

   No, I'm not cheap, I'm just smart with my money.

   I have a ton of children's book ideas. Has anyone ever done an uplifting tale about a kitten on the Titanic?

   Internet thugs, they all need hugs.

   Being able to say no is a talent.

   I touched her hand. Her hand touched her boob. By the transitive property, I got some boob. Algebra's awesome!

   She told me to make my own sandwich. I told her to make her own money.

   I don't always eat what is right. Sometimes I eat what is left.

   Don't be judgmental. We're all screwed up.

   teacher: are you sleeping in my class? student: no, uh, a bug flew in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate it. :D

   a good night is when you hug Ur teddy ;a horror night I when the teddy hugs you back