Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the beer is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

   To be or not to be is no longer the question for a man named William Shakespeare who received the first vaccine shot who is to be!

   You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread – the inventor of croutons

   Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

   If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

   everything I know about british people was learned from watching Mr Bean and honestly I’ve seen enough

   My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg My dinner: Haribo

   I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

   My brain at 6am: I’m tired. My brain at 9am: I’m tired. My brain at 1pm: I’m tired. My brain at 5pm: I’m tired. My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

   I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

   Friend: I think I smell burnt toast Me: that’s awesome! You don’t have Covid

   when someone you thought looked great for 50 announces they’re 41 there is no way to unfurrow your brow in time

   I have a confession to make. When I was 9, I'd lick my arm and smell it.

   where do I sign to get microchipped and controlled by the government i'm tired of making my own decisions

   My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

   Thank you everyone ! In celebration of my birthday today - l will match any cash donations given to me.

   For years my Wife only has sex with me on my birthday. But now she has Alzheimer's, so I tell her it is my birthday everyday.

   Selena: *Trying to Rest In Peace* Her parents: get up you got a gig 🤪🤦🏻🤣

   The greatest comedians don't say funny things, they say things funny.

   How many cuckold convervatives does it take to stop a dictator? Answer: None. They would rather sit at home and jerk off to one..