Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 402 of 6383
Can’t wait to see what kind of grills these meth heads have on their avatars
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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05-16-2020 11:27
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Why isn't Planned Parenthood called what it really is? Unplanned Parenting In The Hood.
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05-16-2020 09:44
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As I sat there twirling my fingers through my hair I thought "I really must shave my balls"
Whatta ya mean I can't shop here? The wrong mask??? What??? -Batman
Why do people wear face masks in their Facebook profile picture, I mean come on now this is Facebook not the supermarket.
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05-15-2020 20:23
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The only reason I am not going to my patio and jumping off of the railing during all this madness is because I live on the first floor and do not want to look like a mental escapee to all of my neighbors.
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05-15-2020 15:14 by Daddy
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Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
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05-15-2020 12:57
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90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
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05-15-2020 12:55
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Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
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05-15-2020 12:52
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Fat chances are my favorite chances
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05-15-2020 12:50
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I always learn from the mistakes of others who took my advice.
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05-15-2020 11:18
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I’ve noticed many people are much more attractive wearing a mask.
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05-15-2020 09:46
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If I use my stimulus money to buy baby chickens, does this mean we got money for nothing and chicks for free?
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05-15-2020 08:50
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Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
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05-15-2020 08:42
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Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
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05-15-2020 08:40
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Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
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05-15-2020 08:38
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Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon. Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL Doctor:
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05-15-2020 08:37
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If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
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05-15-2020 08:36
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Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
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05-15-2020 08:36
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