Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There is nothing like having a midget for a butler.

   just got my girlfriend her valentines day gift.. shes gonna love her "tube of boob lube"

   someone asked me to be a god parent...i think I would be more like a OMG parent

   go to all your friends status updates and type in... You spelled ANAL wrong.

   im happier than a puppy with 2 peters

   my gastro-intestinal Dr. was named Joe...he looked pissed when he came in the room and I sang ..G.I Joe...

   I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?

   I have a feeling that I'm gonna regret not reading youtubes notification about the new policy

   i think casinos should add a russian roulette table for those who jus lost everything

   "Some days, you're the status; others, just a comment."

   Heads up folks. Apparently the little AAA stickers don't count as "proof" of insurance. That is all...

   Fear? I grew up in a time when the Russians wanted to nuke us and the Stray Cats wanted to rock our towns inside out.

   I've yet to see a picture of an Occupy Wall Street protest that didn't make me say, "Hey, that's the guy who delivers my pizza."

   Tip of the Day: Be nice to midgets. They have short tempers.

   If my ship ever did come in, with my luck, I am pretty sure it would be named the Titanic!

   Some day's should come with a warning label: Today's gonna suck, so bring alcohol.

   Dear Mr Sandman ~ I think you lost my Address!

   Feisty & Non compliant, can I get a behavior plan over here?

   I dont know about you, but I think I'm perfectly ok that nobody ever pays me in gum.

   Science FAcT: If you tookkall the veins from your body and lay them end to end, you would die