Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How come people that should never be allowed to reproduce have the most kids?

   FACT: If you clip your cell phone to your belt, your chances of getting laid decreases by 97%.

   This orange juice tastes weird without vodka.

   Remember children; A book commits suicide every time you watch Jersey Shore.

   Just been told I'm not sexist. Being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for women.

   Funny how people seem to call when I'm away from my desk. It's probably because I walk away from my desk when the phone rings.

   Hellooooo....It's 2012.....Where's my flying car already?....Helloooooo.....

   Youtube isn't just popular because of the videos, its popular because of the attractive video TITLES.

   I don't make typos, I make new words.

   Kim Kardashian Wants To Experience Tebow Time?!?! No, Kimmy, Tebow cannot restore your virginity.

   Whichever candidate promises to get rid of Nickelback and Justin Beiber has my vote.

   Boys - If you can't convince them, Confuse them. Girls : If you can't convince them, Unfriend them from Facebook and B!TCH about them. . .

   i don't wanna be a player no more, No pun intended.. .

   FACEBOOK FAQ WHAT ARE PROFILE PICTURES? A: What you want other people to think you look like. TAGGED PICTURES? A: What you actually look like.

   Women are such teases, turns out a "restraining order" has nothing to do with S&M.

   I was editing my profile and couldnt figure whether to put masturbation under activites or interests.

   Circles are straighter than Justin Bieber.

   If being sarcastic burned calories, Id look like half of an Olsen Twin.

   you know you're getting old when the morning after pill is a percocet

   Today, I found out that due to the fact that I got divorced, the insurance for my car is going up. A year after she took everything, she is still costing me money.