Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when ppl say near miss, shouldnt it be a near hit?

   wondering what to do. I used my last Post-It Note and have no idea how to remind myself to get more...

   in TIME OUT because riding the dog like it's Small Horse is frowned upon in this establishment...

   I'm more frustrated than a homosexual with tonsilitis on Valentine's Day!

   Figure out what you want otherwise others will just string you along to accomplish what THEY want.

   The other day I went for a job interview, do you think it was a bad idea to ask if they ever press charges?

   BOP IT! TWIST IT! PULL IT! ..... And that's how I lost my pen1s.

   People who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one, what's your plan?

   Yo, Momma got a Ticket for driving in the HOV Lane ...She told the officer "I didn't see that v up there".

   What's my favorite animal? A Grey Goose duh,,

   Ghetto word of the day: COLOGNE. Usage: "You think you cologne me a dollar or two?"

   Mexican and black jokes are pretty much all the same. Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.

   Golf is like sex. If you're playing somewhere classy, wash your balls first.

   GUYS: If you're lookin' for an easy bang, any girl that has her Blackberry PIN in her bio is the answer.

   Its one of those «Depends» mornings.... That's where you have to pee real bad and don't want to get out of bed. But if you had «Depends» on you probably wouldnt;;;;;;;

   "Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge."

   "I love to cook with wine, sometimes I even put it in the food."

   "As an alternative to dieting, I'm going to simply refer to myself as "value-sized"."

   5 years and nine months after you do it doggy style...prepare to feel guilty by the products puppy eyes!

   She just kept b!tching about me drinking to much beer, so I said I could deal with this hangover better if you would shut the f^ck up.