SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Before Twitter, how would I have known my soulmate was a 53 yr old man pretending to be a 28 yr old woman outside Milwaukee?

   2nd greatest holiday gift for someone you love. The receipt.

   The festive hustle and bustle of the holiday season sure does bring out the best in no one.

   I am living proof that the Internet can be used to deceive people (I've been dead for two years).

   I looked fear in the eyes.. and I gotta tell ya.. it looked a little sheepish to me. Thinkin' it's all a front.

   You too can make the Yuletide gay with this delicious peppermint-flavored lube.

   Santa is the ultimate hipster. Works one day a year and spends the rest of the year judging you.

   I'm opening a new restaurant to compete with TGI Fridays called Sucky Tuesdays.

   Never trust a brain surgeon who keeps saying 'Cool Beans!'

   Jingle Bells always gives me a warm feeling inside. She works Tuesday nights at the Lusty Leopard.

   "Polishing the Menorah" is not a euphemism for what Uncle Irv is doing in the bathroom.

   Happy winter solstice, Northern Hemisphere! And happy whatever it is to you, Australia. Easter? 2009? Seriously, no clue.

   My dad still has the mind of a scientist. In a jar on the mantelpiece in his basement, right under the moose head.

   No one at work will question the handful of pills you are swallowing if you just say that it's what keeps you from murdering them all.

   The House of Representatives should be replaced with a mix of carnies, some Wayans, a few Pilates teachers, & the Oakland A's.

   I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

   My life is like 1-ply toilet paper..I get the job done but I have no idea how.

   I wonder if Tommy Lee, Tom Jones, and Tommy Lee Jones ever get each other's mail?

   "That wasn't eggnog!" is a popular thing to yell this time of year, but I'm trying real hard not to yell it much.

   Last year I asked Santa to bring me the sexiest person alive for Christmas and I woke up in a box. I guess I should have been more specific.