thejoke.cafe Funny Status Messages

   I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”

   My wife threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop with the endless flamingo impressions. So I had to put my foot down.

   Donald Trump is starting a petition to stop the sale of pre-shredded cheese. He’s very serious about trying to make the USA grate again.

   Sex with someone that doesn’t want to is rape. I thought that was marriage?

   My girlfriend dumped me last week right after I broke my wrist. Just when I needed her the most.

   My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, “that’s amazing how the hell did he know all that?” My dad replied, “the judge told him.”

   Next time a woman tries to defend her insane weight gain with, “Well, I’ve had two children.” Reply with, what? for Breakfast?”

   I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

   if Trump can't keep people from climbing his tower, how is he going to keep them from climbing his wall?

   Hillary Clinton should be the first f-president. I was going to say female but somebody deleted the 'emale'.

   Trump and Hillary are on the same plane. Plane crashes, who survives? America

   After dating for 2 months she wanted to meet my parents. I said baby chill...I waited 9 months to meet my own.