mtq Funny Status Messages

   Attention Club Lonely... Keep posting those deep, philosophical, pseudo, life enriching quotes on your profiles. It tells the opposite sex what a day at the amusement park you are.

   Three weeks into 2012. Now don't some of you feel silly for actually believing things were going to get better simply because we pinned a new calendar on the wall?

   I love American Idol. Except for the judges, the singers, and Ryan Seacrest.

   Marriage is like a deck of cards: In the beginning all you need are two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

   "It is better to have been on penici!!in, than to have never loved at all."

   Dogs are like Facebook; fun and interactive. Cats are like MySpace; boring, climb on the furniture and $hit in a box.

   Being a modest guy, when I checked into my hotel, I said to the lady at the desk, "I hope the p0rn channel in my room is disabled." She goes, "Nooooo, it's regular people-p0rn, you sick ba$tard.”

   Facebook needs to change up the Poke thing. They need to add a "Mad Passionate Pelvic Thrust" button.

   2012 has arrived on schedule. Please wait until the New Year has come to a complete STOP before unfastening your seatbelts....

   I'm hoping for major changes in 2012. Like getting ice out of the freezer and not having one piece always falling on the floor.

   ‎2012 has arrived on schedule. Please wait until the New Year has come to a complete STOP before unfastening your seatbelts....

   When someone you're on the phone with says, "Uh huh" for no apparent reason...you know there's another person there that just whispered to the person you're talking to, "Is it that assh*le?"

   So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

   Can someone tell me where I can return these 12 Drummers Drumming without a receipt? I'm not trying to form an Allman Brothers tribute band for Chrissake.

   Facebook is dumb They have the Poke thing wrong. Guys should have the Poke button, and girls should have a Spread button.

   Girl in new relationship: I HAVE THE GREATEST MAN EVER! HE'S WONDERFUL! A week later...after she catches him cheating: THAT NO GOOD &*(^! I'LL NEVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN! Next day: I HAVE THE GREATEST MAN EVER! HE'S WONDERFUL!

   Older women are called Cougars because their pu$$ies are big and hairy.

   I've never actually seen anyone using a laptop on top of their lap.

   There are no "good people"....Only good bullsh*tters.

   You know who I can't stand? Flo from Progressive and Jared from Subway. I wish they'd hook up, then drive off a cliff while choking on a five dollar footlong.