hiyourjon Funny Status Messages

   So you're Chinese? "Japanese" Sorry..& what a cute litte girl.. "Boy" Oh a boy. Of course.. And I like your pet croc.. "Alligator" I should go..

   Joe Biden walks nervously into the grocery store by himself for the first time. He asks the clerk, "where are the snowman noses?"

   My wife finally agreed to have a 3 way with me. Her and her divorce lawyer fùcked over me really good.

   Damn babe are you Obama’s birth certificate because my mom doesn't believe you exist

   Damn girl are you a firework because I only see you like 3 times a year & your very pretty & I’m scared to get closer to you.

   Girls think that having their period is the most inconvenient thing they can experience. They've obviously never dated a girl who was on her period.

   @AnissaClingman: Wtf? I opened this huge lawnmower box and there is no Mexican in it. I thought they were shipped together. Dammit! Who's gonna push it? : /

   This entire time I thought YOLO was a new frozen yogurt store.

   My mom found out that I was smoking weed and she told me to "pack my bags" LOL it's called a bowl mom and it's already packed

   How to tie the strongest knot ever? Step 1: Put your headphones in your pocket. Step 2: Wait 1 minute.

   This cop is going to look like such a dumbass trying to give me a field sobriety test while I'm invisible.

   i bought a 30 pack of condoms and they expire in 2016. i’m crunching the numbers here and it’s not looking good

   Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.

   In alcohol’s defense, i've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.

   Women complain that they should be treated more equally. OK fine. Next time a ship sinks in the ocean, you ladies don't get to get off first.

   Bud Light? I'd rather Light Bud.

   A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.

   Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.

   Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

   My doctor said I should eat more Taco Bell. He actually said "Less McDonald's", but I'm pretty sure I know what he meant.