Snotty Funny Status Messages

   FYI: It should be illegal to play a doorbell sound on TV... Or a siren in a song on the radio

   WIFE: You forgot to turn the TV off last night [flashback to me leaving it on so the dog could finish watching Shrek].... ME: No I didn't

   *rides off into the sunset...... *rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock....... *rides off into the sunset......

   Don't just be part of the couch.... Be the couch.

   Oh and BTW, ,, Why haven't Pig Pen's parents been visited by child services yet?

   I just got back from a cannibal Thanksgiving get together. ..... I had a ball.

   "What do we want?"... "Hearing aids."... "When do we want them?".... "Hearing aids."

   *at starbucks.. ME: Can I take some wifi home with me?... BARISTA: Um,,, sure?.... ME: (holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid) ... Thanks.

   *God creating dogs,, GOD: These will be great companions for people... ANGEL: An excellent creation sir... GOD: But better than people.. Just, WAY better... esp. during election season

   Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00... Me: Can you take off the avocado?... Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

   Can't wait to give my family a touch of salmonella next week

   LITTLE KNOWN FACT: After the umbilical cord has been cut,, a nurse spanks the baby for being uninsured.

   BREAKING NEWS: Tom Brady accused of deflating again in Macy's Day Parade

   I'm glad Alfac has a float in the #MacysThanksgivingDayParade... Little kids should always be reminded to buy supplemental health insurance.

   My dad's decided to NOT move to Canada,,, He says he's "Angry",,, but not, "Learn the Metric System" angry..

   Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning.... "You mean Diabetes?".. Ooh look at me, I'm a patient that knows all the diseases, ooh

   How can you say you like Maroon-5 ??.... Did you even try Maroons' 1 through 4 ??

   Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?

   My alone time is sometimes for your safety."

   It's VERY magnanimous of Donald Trump to only take $1 in Presidential salary,, $1 seems Very small,, until you realize that's it's still more than he paid in taxes