SEAN Funny Status Messages

   "According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton has lost a third of her supporters since May. There's still debate as to whether she lost them or just deleted them from her database.

   The firefighters' union announced that it was no longer supporting Hillary for president. You know your campaign's in trouble when firefighters are like, 'Even WE can't put out that many fires.'"

   Shouldn't they just put Harriet Tubman's face on EBT cards???

   Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a great way to get a whole row to yourself at the movies.

   I guess one of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"

   just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

   Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.

   I wish anger burned more calories.

   Alarm system? Yeah right. I'll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

   You will NEVER see a person with Tourette's syndrome on the bomb squad.

   There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because I pretty much just burnt down my whole house...

   I've never seen anyone vaping in a car that didn't have at least three dents in it.

   the good news is the doctor says I'm healthy as a horse, the bad news is she still uses large farm animals to describe me....

   I can only assume the next 4 weeks are incredibly difficult for people who's grandmother's were actually run over by reindeer. ..

   Got all my Christmas gifts bought early this year, hope everyone likes Halloween costumes-

   I hate snakes, mainly because they have no feet- you could say I am lack-toes intolerant...

   The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

   The Middle East and Kim Kardashian's a$$ have a lot in common. Both are massive, have tons of oil, and have been invaded by the West.

   Our lazy neighbor cant even rake his yard without clutching his chest and falling down...

   I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I'm living in their attic...