Leeferd Funny Status Messages

   Sharting: (verb) when you try to cut the cheese and get the whole nacho dip.

   It's always nice to have a baker's dozen of something, unless it's like stab wounds or something.

   decided to burn some calories this weekend so I set a fat kid on fire.

   People never say, "Boy that was sure a great Ben Affleck movie".

   has been told by many I need to watch my language on Facebook. So for everyone that doesn't like my language, "coitus you."

   watching his 401k descend like a drug addled hooker with vertigo.

   wonders if criminals are starting to catch on that there isn't a lot of crime fighting happening during LOST?

   Don't you wonder why people look back at the same spot when they trip over it? As if the sidewalk is going to talk back or laugh at them.

   Saw Jack B. Nimble today at the candlestick store. Don't know why he has to jump over those things! Seems too risky.

   Hiring someone attractive does necessarily not mean they will be a productive employee...unless this person is a prostitute.

   After hearing someone just ramble on and on on the phone or in person, don't you just wish they would become verbally impotent?

   Dear Wendy's, I so love your delicious, frozen treat called the Frosty. May I make a suggestion? Instead of a plastic straw, could you please substitute this with a bamboo straw? I'm tired of the plastic straws collapsing on me.

   You can make the same drive 100's of times but a good dense fog makes it feel like a totally new experience.

   According to the segment on American Idol's "Idol Gives Back", they just showed $10 was able to purchase 90 lbs of food. Where do these people shop? I can't do that at Wal-Mart, Kroger, or any other place.

   handing out "damns" because so many people say I give them.

   Ever just met someone you want to put in a large trash bag filled with a couple cinder blocks and drop them from a bridge? No? Me neither.

   would like to remind everyone that today is "Spay & Neuter Your Rednecks Day."

   I've been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out & my pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.

   Can people just go for a bike ride without having to dress up like some Lance Armstrong clone?

   If you love to make your own homemade beef jerky, don't get a vanity tag for your vehicle that says "LUV2JERK." People will laugh at you.