Gabe Funny Status Messages

   If your dog understands several human words and you don't understand any dog barks, then your dog may be smarter than you...

   Remember to double check lawn signs during the election primaries. I just tried to vote for a real estate agent...

   Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving...

   Oh I can walk the walk. Just don't ask me to jog the jog or run the run...

   Looks like Bloomberg got stopped and frisked during the debate...

   I never know if I have free time or if I just keep forgetting stuff...

   I'm awake. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time...

   Cops just left. They said if I want to walk around my house naked, I have to do it inside...

   Everyone talking about Pelosi ripping up Trump's speech, but we've all done questionable things when we were that drunk...

   Blocked someone for correcting my grammer and it feelded so good...

   About to pull these steaks off the grill. It's my neighbor's grill, but he went inside and I don't think he can see me...

   I do crunches twice a day now. Captain in the morning and Nestle in the afternoon...

   I don't care how old I am. If a toy says "Try Me" on it, I'm pushing those buttons...

   I got jumper cables for Christmas because I like to start crap...

   If you know anyone home alone for Christmas let me know! I need to borrow their chairs...

   I am giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, that came out wrong... I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

   I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night... Not Happy.

   Ran out of coffee this morning. Vodka seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is soo pretty this today...

   Adulting is putting back a pack of chicken for $8.58 because you see one for $8.17...

   I went to a gender reveal party yesterday and was immediately told to put my clothes back on...