Daheavy1 Funny Status Messages

   Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned

   Some people just need a hug... Around the neck. With my hands.

   I can't believe they let people own guns. Public toilets are all the proof we need that humans have horrible aim.

   One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

   My heart just skipped a beat when I glanced at my wife across the room. Mostly because she was holding my phone

   Attention!!! Christmas has been canceled this year!!! I told Santa that I had been good. He died laughing...

   December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.

   It's weird...I keep hitting the home button on my phone, but I'm still at work..

   What did one saggy titty say to the other saggy titty? We better get some support soon or people will start thinking we're nuts!

   If a telemarketer calls give the phone to your 3 yr old, and tell them its Santa Clause

   I'm white. But I'm not NASCAR fan white.

   Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police

   If my absence doesn't alter your life, then my presence has no meaning in it.

   7% of all hearing loss is a result of sitting in a restaurant next to a table full of women who just received dessert.

   My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words 'active' or 'sport' in it's name

   If there was a hero that saved people from awkward conversations, he'd be more popular than Superman

   Thank you: 'hard taco shells', for surviving the factory, delivery trucks, and small food stores and then breaking at the moment I put something inside you.

   Air bags: my car's attempt of cheering me up after accidents by giving me surprise balloons

   Anything related to Halloween doesn't scare me. What scares me is when I flush someone else's toilet and the water keeps rising

   Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you