Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breaking news: Gary Glitter has applied for the England manager's job after hearing that two of the players are Young and Bent.....

   Valentine's Day: Dinner for two - $80, Dessert - $20, Flowers - $50, Gold Necklace - $250, Bottle of French Champagne - $100, Godiva Strawberry Chocolates - $60… Look on his face after she says - “I'm on a period…” PRICELESS!!!

   "never on schedule, but always on time." via Retro Status Generator

   "I`M BATMAN" -Batman

   Most females think they can change a player, but the truth is it's not the player that needs to change, its the girl, because every player is on a mission to find that one female which makes him lose his desire to play.

   Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its only 30% full? Well that's how guys feel about push-up bras

   I think these cold pills are just making the snot mad.

   This Unicorn soup is freaking delicious! ~~ Noah, probably

   so....unfortunately....I put the "tiny" in "Is it in yet?" :(

   Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

   auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.........

   2 entirely different phrases; each have 3 words and 8 letters: “I Love You!” vs. “Go To Hell!”

   I shot the parrot. But I did not kill the parakeet..

   Every man hopes to marry a nymphomaniac; but in many marriages, after a few years the nympho leaves, but the maniac stays.

   Freedom is tweeting with no pants.

   Valentines day is cancelled this year 14 - 02 - 12 = 0 Mathematical proof.

   When reality kicks in… add more booze.

   Its 2012 and yous are arguing about pen1s sizes? Now mine on the other hand...

   There is no snooze button on a dog that wants to go out for a piss.

   It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can let yourself back.