Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mom: What does “WTF” stand for? Child: "Well That`s Fantastic!"

   My arm fell asleep again. Time to draw a mustache on it.

   Just saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.

   I can do a couple things with my money on Valentine's day, I can spend it on a buke of flowers or take this girl I like out to dinner.. Hmmmm.. nahhh I'm going to the Arcade!

   Once, while camping, my Mother in Law stumbled upon two ferocious Black Bears.....the bears immediately played dead..... until she left

   Don't complain when I CAN'T go out those nights you want to but then you WON'T go out on the nights I'm able to!!

   ~• << A picture of me when I was younger.

   With all these Cops on the road, sometimes I pull myself over, just to avoid a cop from reading my tags.

   Trump hugs Mitt Romney and tells him "You had me at "I don't care about poor people'."

   Awesome, if you tune in to the NFL Network right now they're showing how Madonna gets hoisted from her formaldehyde jar.

   Don't worry divorced ladies, the zombies wont eat you because you are too fu*king bitter

   How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue toast to the celing.

   The feeling you get when youre driving & you see a cop. And youre not drunk or high, but you think 'god I hope he doesnt notice I'm driving'

   Wanna know how I can tell you grew up in the 90's? Because you wont shut the hell up about growing up in the 90's.

   All of a sudden I love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.

   So I brought like 19 goldfish to a 'Cash for Gold' store and they wouldn't even pay me a dollar. Not even a dollar! THIS IS BULLSHIIT!!!

   If you want to feel special, I have no problem handing you a helmet and a box of crayons.

   The last time I had surgery the Red Cross had to team up with Grey Goose to match my blood type.

   There comes a time in the day when no matter what the question the answer is booze.

   Why is it when I'm on my lunch break my wall is hella quiet. Then from 12:30 to 3:30 all sorts of drama happens...jerks, I wanna be in the loop!