Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We can only hope that things turn around before there's time to learn any lessons.

   How dare you steal my status and not like it first! Stop.............(runs after) thief!!!

   In my dream, I was just about to have sex with Meagan Fox, but my alarm went off. You can say I got clock blocked.

   I'm so terrible at Chess. The only way I'll ever get to say "Checkmate" is if I eat at a restaurant in Australia.

   There's a Justin Bieber toothbrush that vibrates. Yeah, I'm pretty sure groupies won't be using it for their teeth.

   My math teacher accused me of cheating, I can't help that my english teacher is hotter.

   I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle. He said it was the most violent thing he ever read.

   Parallel lines have got so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

   Think I'm about to have a boregasm.

   "Hello, would you like to take part in a one-question survey?" "Sure." "Great! Thanks for participating."

   I became the employee of the month at Pizza Hut just by flirting. So... You like breadsticks?

   I fart, because it's the only gas I can afford.

   My tip for you working professional's out there- If you job requires you to use a computer, Maybe you should learn the basic functions of a computer- for instance- TURNING THE F&CKING THING ON

   Valentine Day Cancelled!!! ...Mathematical Proof - 14-02-12 = 0

   Valentine's day: Dinner for two: $80. Movie: $60. Flowers: $85. Gold Necklace: $250. Hotel room: $150 OR a Prostitute: $100! You decide.

   If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don't want it.

   Before I post a joke on twitter I tell it to my windmill... He is a HUGE fan.

   Not liking someone does not make you a hater. Speaking about it all the time, even when nobody asks you, makes you a hater.

   What is more annoying than Valentine's Day? The people that won't shut the hell up about how much they hate Valentine's Day.”

   To make a long story short...I walk away.