Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels

   I just dipped my Kit Kat into peanut butter and now I know why dogs will bite you if you get too close to their food

   On a scale from 1-10, how much do you like the number 7?

   They should make a bubble bath that smells like diesel exhaust for us manly men.

   I have jury duty in the court of public opinion today.

   They call themselves political “parties” because they expect the working class to clean up the mess after they've had their fun.

   I wonder who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian marriage?

   People with a Bluetooth look like they're communicating with Douchebag Mission Control.

   Sending a risky text & thinking.. “Oh god, they hate me,” if they don't respond within 30 seconds.

   NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”  

   NO, you don't have “haters”. People just don't like you. Get over yourself.

   I think HR just keeps me around to help them write their new hand book. Every time I get called there they say "oh I've got to write this down!"

   Sometimes I walk through the baby aisle at the grocery store as a reminder to always use a condom.

   there a Dr. in the house? Preferably a surgeon? I'll need one to remove my foot from my co-worker's ass in about 5 minutes.

   Why do women like men who are smart, goal oriented and have a sense of humor?? Because opposites attract!!

   A girlfriend once told me, "You only ever hear what you want to hear!" "Thank you," I replied. "You're right, I am amazing."

   I love making people laugh. I just hate it when it happens when I get out of the shower and It's my wife. LOL!

   5 out of 6 people feel the need to tell other people their dreams, while 6 out of 6 people don't give a sh!t.

   I'm pretty sure going down on Lindsay Lohan is like licking a 9-volt battery.

   Random disturbing Thought for the Day~Where do cops in nudist colonies pin their badges?? Or...hide their weapons for that matter........