Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   men who fish in another man's pond, catch crabs!

   I'm pretty sure when you sweat, it's just your fat crying.

   Sometimes when I close my eyes I can't see.

   Fellaz: Tell her she's ‘beautiful' instead of ‘hot'. She's a woman, not a temperature.

   Heard Don Cornelius(Soul Trian) commited suicide right after watching the Justin Beirber movie.

   I found a new family, will give my family two weeks notice today.

   Always watch your step on an escalator. I once tripped and fell down the stairs for an hour and a half

   I don't celebrate valentines day.

   had a Black Out last night .........she was a very lovely girl so I asked her out again for next weekend

   do me a favor if anyone sees that groundhog today PLEASE shoot that little s*** !!!!!

   I'm not saying the 8th Annual #PuppyBowl was rigged...I just think someone was getting a little squeaky toy on the side.

   Self Deprecating Humor: making jokes about yourself for a laugh. Self Deficating Humor: pooping your pants just for a laugh.

   I will die one day at a Del Taco, shot dead by a SWAT team after taking several hostages over what I feel is the meaning of EXTRA cheese.

   To the dude who flipped me off in the Starbucks parking lot for honking at him, before taking off like a maniac… You left your breakfast and coffee on top of your car…

   Real Knick fans don't wear Jordans.

   To the dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.

   Feel I could meet the woman of my dreams today. Hopefully not the one from the dream where I'm being shot at by a lady dressed as a clown.

   The problem with dating models is the handle of your toothbrush always ends up mysteriously smelling like throat.

   Can I be held legally responsible if someone gets injured while ROFL?

   A man is a man all of his life but a woman is only sexy until shes your wife. - A.Bundy -