Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to people watch. Mainly when they're in the shower

   just stuck pink sparkly streamers in the handgrips of a custom skull painted harley in the parkin lot, now I jus waitin for the ogre..i mean, owner to find em

   tricked my ride with pinwheels on my antenna, if only my moms didnnt make me put that big ass orange flag on my bumper

   just put clothespins and baseball cards on my spokes..my car is gonna be the coolest one in the hood

   When the guy in your office says he's going bowling on his own, you've got to ask yourself, 'have I got enough friends

   Jobs of your boss: 5% to pay your wages. 95% to annoy the hell out of you

   FACT: If you don't ask for butter on your toast but the waitress brings it anyway God won't let the cholesterol harm you.

   Whenever I realize a girl likes me, my first thought is, "What's wrong with this woman that would make her like ME?"

   Overly wordy and verbose words are ubiquitous.

   Valentine's Day was a lot of fun, but now what do I do with the body?

   I'm not fat. My stomach is just 3D. ;)

   1 day i'm gonna be telling my kids about payphones, no cell phones or internet & the video games aren't portable....& the kids will think it's a fairy tale

   They say you can't make jokes about blind people, just watch me.

   My teacher always used tell me to follow my dreams now it seems I have a restraining order

   I just want to play cards with a priest so I can say... Forgive me father for I have ginned

   Why use ADT when you can use an AK-47?

   It seems Animal Planet has combined with CMT...

   when the police were doing the chalk outline of Whitney Houston's body, her spirit rose up & tried to snort it

   I've been reading a book called '1,000 sexual positions'. I've reached position 176 and apparently from now on I'm going to need a woman.

   I decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I'm getting 4 million dollars back this year!