Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Vampires aren't on FB because they can't take pictures of themselves in front of a mirror.

   I write comedy for smart people... that´s why I dont get some of my jokes.

   I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I'm depressed.

   My recliner rocks!

   Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I've ever made.

   “Happy New Year 2000! Have a fantastic year, and successful 2000!” - New York Alzheimer's Society

   I'm celebrating black history month by playing Pokemon black version. You know, gotta catch Jamal!

   I locked my coat hanger in the car...it's a good thing I carry a spare set of keys

   great day, everyone stared at my ass....then I found out I had a cheerio stuck right where my hole would be

   These American Idol constestants are going down more then a porn star at an orgy.

   just took my dog for a walk, long story short, my neighbor sleeps naked

   dollar menus giving ramen noodles a run for their money

   ID television for insomniacs who dont like info-mercials

   really impressed with size of the coconuts on Survior this season. wow!

   Happy "Morning After Pill" International Day!

   Saw a headline that read 'Woman beats off rapist' and thought.. Well that seems like a reasonable compromise.

   I noticed a lot of celebrities seem to drown in the bathtub...Perhaps a business that tattoos "industrial grade" sand strips to their asses is in order. I'm looking for investors! ツ

   Raise your hand if you remember Carlos Mencia. Okay, now slap yourself.

   I put a lock on my bathroom door. I don't want anyone stealing my chit.

   just asked my son - where would you be without your mother? His answer: "Probably in the middle of traffic, without my jacket on, talking to some stranger."