Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There was an Amber Alert the other day. I thought it meant that the stores were out of beer.

   if you're still waiting for your chocolate....you're dating a cheap a-hole.

   The Beach Boys reunited at the Grammys. They're headed out on tour for their 50th anniversary. Now when they sing about surfing, they mean surfing the Internet for discounted prostate medication.

   Recent studies suggest that balding people have cooler heads, opposite socks still fit, and red crayons break easier then blue ones... (@_@)

   i like to keep a bag of hair in my car, it distracts them from the drug search

   in my world...staple guns = curtain rods

   The book "Women For Dummies" would have a picture of my Ex on it.

   hey kids, come on and put your tin foil hats on so you wont get wet in this electrical storm

   Sometimes when I see ugly people at the gym I think, "What's the point? You can't workout the face."

   hardcore pawn...more like, when animals attack

   If she asks you to be in an open relationship, tell her to walk out that open door. She's a slut.

   My dentist just said I'm getting a crown! I must have been a *super* good patient today.

   i guess the "forever lazy" suit is appropriately named since it looks like you were too lazy to care youre in public in your pajamas

   No one is happier that a fat and ugly b!tch chosen to be the assistant of the day on Dr Oz show.

   love the scoring system on storage wars..lets see...a broken tricycle, thats $200, used tupperware...$600......

   My buddy used to be a store clerk but he lost his job, so he set up a kiosk in the mall to vend for himself...

   this is getting outta hand. I wake up, turn my TV to the Playboy Channel, and even 'THEY'RE' talking about Jeremy Lin. WTF???

   The new weight loss plan from Apple makes me feel stupid. Anyone else feel this way with iDiot?

   I just realized, Caps Lock trying to shift and I can't see an end, I have no control and I don't think there's any escape, I don't even have a home and why anymore...Definitely time for a new keyboard.

   What's faker than 2 women meeting for the first time?