Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I fold and hang clothes all day at work...then on my day off I have to do laundry...now I know what a prostitute feels like coming home to her man

   I've stopped trying to fight my inner demons. We're all on the same side now.

   I hate it when every time I like someone's status, there is always this person named "You" that likes it at the exact same time on the exact same status.

   A woman can make a man a millionaire... If he's a billionaire

   For a change a pace tonight I'm going to watch TV while laying on the couch as opposed to lay on the couch while watching TV.

   MOM: Back in the day we didnt have internet…ME:” well thats just too bad for you.

   I think I'm going to end up like Plankton. Marrying my computer.!!

   Figuring things out for yourself is practically the only freedom anyone really has nowadays. Use that freedom.

   I just set off the airport metal detector with my abs of steel.

   this is the earliest I've ever been late...

   I don't always drink beer... Ahh, who am I kidding? I always drink beer.

   I'm convinced that whoever invented crack cocaine is also responsible for Samoa girl scout cookies. The similarities are too obvious to ignore...

   I hate texting people who don't use smileys. I feel like I'm texting an emotionless robot!!!

   If someday we all go to prison for downloading music, I just hope they split us up by the music genre.

   Girls Theory “Listen Half, Understand Quarter, Think Zero & React DOUBLE”

   hates people who take drugs....customs for example

   I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys then dropped the mic on his left foot and yelled, "F*ck me." What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

   Just figured a way people with no healthcare insurance but do have car insurance can enjoy the same benefits .... Whenever your sick....just crash your bike ...car or truck into a tree

   pineapples....some of yall will get it

   Girls: just remember each morning when you put on makeup- somewhere in the world a clown is starting his day doing exactly the same thing.