Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was young I used to poke holes in my parent's condoms so that there could be someone else to do the dishes.

   Alcohol goes in, honesty and truth comes out.

   If you put more money into the car than you did those 23's, you might not be broke down on the side of the road.

   They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.

   I just saw a huge and very intricate spider web, but no spider. This foreclosure crisis is really getting out of hand

   It's hard to tolerate the ramblings of an intelectually deficient redneck, but then I remember that the were likely "born this way"....you know...with an extra chromosome.

   I am known all over the world for my tendency to exaggerate.

   Want to clear out a room quickly? Start playing muskrat love loudly. You are welcome.

   Prince and Sheena Easton never did tell us who won the World Series of love.

   No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, "Yes, but does it work on cats?"

   Just had a fart that sounded like an unoiled door opening slowly. Made the dog bark.

   What's the difference between puberty and a water bottle? A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber.

   if you can just walk away like nothing happened then it never mattered to you in the first place  

   If you wonder what it feels like to be one of those pretty girls that all of the guys want, you are probably gay.

   Girl Gamers are the most misjudge characters ever. Guys sees them as Goddesses, industry sees them as Barbie-Wii Mario-Bros chicks, parents sees them as boys, girls sees em as Fatty Emos, when they just are girls with controllers trying to be badasses!

   Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, "To my sandwich!"

   I wonder what it feels like to be one of those pretty girls that all of the guys want.

   In a court of law you're innocent until proven guilty. In a relationship you're guilty until proven innocent.

   When people go underwater during movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation. I died at Finding Nemo.

   You know you are in love with a guy when you think about having sex with him.